I have two brothers and a sister. We all live in different states. Our sister often texts us about medical issues that she and her husband face. Or she texts about her grandchildren and sends us pictures of them. My responses are kind but short. I have medical concerns, too, but I don’t broadcast them. Neither do my brothers. I believe that she is trying to get attention or to brag, as she has always done. I am particularly uncomfortable with the way she remembers our mother — a narcissist who abused us. The warm light in which my sister remembers her is completely delusional. Typically, I do not respond to her texts when I don’t agree with them or when they upset me. Is this an appropriate way to deal with my feelings?
SISTER
You say that you respond kindly to your sister, but I wonder if that’s possible. Your dislike of her radiates from your letter. According to you, she is attention-seeking, a braggart and delusional. Unless she is also exceedingly dim, she has probably figured out how you feel about her — especially if you don’t respond to the texts that bother you, which sounds like the lion’s share of them.
Now, some people don’t like their siblings. (Not all that surprising for a long relationship that begins involuntarily and under the same roof!) I am not criticizing you: Your dislike may be justified. But the reasons you give for it seem overblown: It’s common for siblings to commiserate about health worries. That’s not broadcasting them! Sending pictures of her grandchildren, who are also related to you, is not my idea of bragging. And centrally, her memories of your mother, while much different from yours, are not meant to upset you. Like many of us, she is probably doing the best she can with a complicated history.
So, on to your question: No, I do not believe that seething in silence when your sister texts is healthy for you. Either talk to a therapist about your discomfort with her or tell your sister that you need a break from her because of the heavy challenges of your childhood. But there is no value — to you or to her — in quiet distaste.
The Court of Public Dining
Last night, I was seated in a restaurant next to a widely recognized public figure. Several years ago, he was accused by female co-workers of sexual harassment and assault. He was fired from his high-profile job and left the country. Now, he’s back. His presence in the restaurant was deeply disturbing to me — especially the way the staff fussed over him. He was not convicted of any crime, and I recognize that he has the right to dine where he likes. The restaurant owner has clearly decided to welcome him back, regardless of the impact on other customers. I wrote to the owner to discuss my concerns. No reply. What should I do?
PATRON
I understand your feelings — and even share them, at a gut level. But banishing this man, who was either acquitted of the accusations against him or never prosecuted for them, misses an important takeaway of the #MeToo movement: Whose experiences are we centering?
You and I are not central figures here, and neither is the restaurant owner. One could even argue that refusing service to people whose alleged behavior we abhor weakens the rule of law. This is not even about the disgraced executive: He’s received plenty of attention already. I think we should refocus our energies on the survivors of abuse. Let’s commit to lifting them up, instead of obsessing over well-known abusers who continue to make great clickbait. If you don’t like your table at a restaurant, ask to be moved.
Magic Word? What Am I, a Wizard?
Our millennial son and his wife have not taught our 5-year-old grandson to say “please” or “thank you.” When my husband and I ask our grandson to use those words, he becomes irritated. Is my idea of good manners passé?
GRANDMOTHER
Many young parents — perhaps including your son and daughter-in-law — are teaching their children manners, including the use of “please” and “thank you,” by modeling polite behavior for them and with gentle reminders. There are fewer barking commands than when I was a child. Less bribery, too: “No cookie until you say ‘please’!” I think it’s an interesting shift: It focuses on the spirit of politeness, rather than its performance. If you have a problem with this approach, talk to your son about it — not your grandson.
An Open Invitation Needn’t Be Open-Ended
We have a summer house, and friends often invite themselves to stay. This is not a problem for us. But when they suggest an arrival date, they sometimes don’t mention how long they want to stay. I like to shop and prepare meals in advance. But my husband thinks it’s inappropriate to ask guests when they plan to leave. Thoughts?
HOST
Your concern is totally reasonable. Just because you are willing to accommodate friends who invite themselves to your home doesn’t mean that you forfeit the other elements of an invitation: the date of departure, for instance. Next time, say: “Yes, coming on the 14th and leaving on the 17th works great for us. OK with you?” It’s your house!
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