This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Mark Pincus, founder of Zynga and author of “Life at the Speed of Play.” It has been edited for length and clarity.
Whether I’m doing interviews or just talking with friends, people always want to know more about my parenting. I’m a father of five, including three children who have learning differences or disabilities. I’ve learned that all we can do as parents is meet our kids where they are and tune in to what engages them.
No one has taught me that more than my son Wyatt, who is 12. He was born with a gene deletion. He’s developmentally delayed and presents a lot like a kid with extreme autism. He recently started talking in sentences and expressing himself verbally. Before that, he had to wear a helmet because he would get frustrated and hit his head.
When it comes to Wyatt — and my other kids — the more an expert claims to know, the less I trust them. Each child is different. We worked with a respected feeding specialist who strapped Wyatt into a chair to essentially force-feed him. It was horrible for him, and us as his parents. When I followed my intuition and let Wyatt eat when he was hungry, things improved for everyone.
I give my children lots of agency and responsibility
In business, I’ve always given people so much responsibility that it scares them a little. It challenges them, and you can see what they’re up for. I find that giving kids lots of agency works well, too.
For my twin daughters — who are now 15 — this started when they were little, with me giving them a credit card and telling them to pay for dinner. Now, I’m preparing the girls to take over management for two commercial buildings I own in San Francisco when they turn 16.
Wyatt found agency through skiing and swimming. When he couldn’t talk and had constant caregivers, he loved to ski independently. Even my youngest — who is 18 months and also has genetic developmental delays — tries to discover things she can do on her own.
Whenever I give my children agency, it unlocks developmental leaps.
I’m not sure my kids should go to college
I’m talking with my 15-year-olds about college a lot right now. One of my daughters, Georgia, is very academically minded. Her sister, Carmen, has ADHD and dyslexia. Carmen has incredible grit and worth ethic. She spends more time on school than I would like her to, but it doesn’t come easily for her.
I’m open to them going to college, but I’m fine with them not. I’m encouraging them to actively think about what they want from the experience. I don’t want them to passively go to college just because everyone around them is.
There’s still value in a college education, in some cases. The value of a computer science degree is going up, not down, I believe. The actual coding might not matter in the world of AI, but learning the mindset of machine programming is more valuable than ever.
That’s what’s important at college today: developing agency and a mindset that can be applied in our changing world.
I encourage curiosity and eccentricity
My father was very achievement-oriented and all about building a resume. Like many people of my generation, I was on the treadmill of good grades, good college, good job, good life.
I take an opposite approach. I try not to push achievement on my children. Instead, I fan the flames of their curiosity, without applying pressure. I want them to have a work ethic and be able to stick with something through the boring or difficult parts. I tell them they will be happiest if they’re useful in the world.
Our family really celebrates divergence. We encourage eccentricity. One year, my twins only wanted to wear bathing suits; another year, they only wanted to eat yogurt. As long as it was low sugar, I was cool with it.
Carmen has a passion for surfing; Wyatt loves to serve coffee and enjoys that it gives him a chance to connect with people. I want them to pursue whatever captures their imaginations; that’s a fine way to learn.
I gave my daughters phones at 14, but I wasn’t thrilled about it
I wanted to keep my twins away from smartphones until they were 16. I managed to wait until 14. Now they have phones, but they know it’s on a probationary basis. If I see them paying attention to the phone, instead of the people around them, it gets taken away.
Right now we’re on vacation with other families, and the big kids are teaching a class for the little kids every day. Georgia is teaching chess, and it’s this winning parenting moment that has me excited.
There are less exciting moments, too. We eat breakfast and dinner as a family almost every day, but sometimes I can barely get the kids to show up for a meal, let alone set the table. No matter how successful you are, parenting is a range.
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