Alright, it looks like we all managed to make it through Mother’s Day alive, so you know what that means: It’s time to celebrate the second-most-important parent in your life (in addition to any stepfathers and fathers-in-law you might’ve gotten yourself mixed up with over the years).
Yeah, you guessed it, Father’s Day is here. And to help get you in the spirit of things, we figured a list of holiday-themed jokes might be just what you need right about now. Without further ado, let’s take a look at what 10 comedy icons had to say on the subject…
10. LOUIE ANDERSON
“I feel bad for Father’s Day because the kids just get him cologne, or tools, or cigarettes, or more cologne. The Father’s Day thing is fun, but it doesn’t really measure up to Mother’s Day because the father, let’s face it, while he participates in the raising of the children, he didn’t bring them into the world. That’s why there should be two, maybe three days for Mother’s Day. A Mother’s Short Week, or a Mother’s Long Weekend.”
9. JOHNNY CARSON
“Well, Father’s Day is this Sunday. When did Father’s Day start? I think it was started by Hallmark…I think.”
8. MILTON BERLE
“I can always count on getting one thing for Father’s Day—all the bills from Mother’s Day.”
7. LEWIS BLACK
“Happy Father’s Day to all of you dads. Just had brunch with my two imaginary kids and I had to pay.”
6. JERRY SEINFELD
“Father’s Day is, ‘Oh my God, we forgot about Dad again, let’s buy him a gift that shows him how little we know about him.’ That’s what Father’s Day is.”
5. CONAN O’BRIEN
“All I want for Father’s Day is for my kids to stop calling me ‘Not-Dwayne-Johnson.’”
4. JIM GAFFIGAN
“The gifts we give on Father’s Day seem impersonal and absurd. A necktie? What is this, 1950? I guess giving Dear Old Dad a noose would be a little on the nose. So let’s give him a silk noose with a goofy pattern.”
3. NORM MACDONALD
“Oh, f—k, is this Father’s Day? Godd—n it. Now I have to make a call to Canada and have some horseshoe conversation about how…Oh, wait, no. My father died 30 years ago. Whew!”
2. JOAN RIVERS
“Today is Father’s Day so do something nice for Dad. For example, if you’re Arnold Schwarzenegger’s love child, introduce yourself.”
1. BILL MAHER
“Let’s make the Father’s Day we just celebrated the last one that takes place in a culture where dads have become such punching bags; literally the last demographic group that TV ads and movies can still depict as clueless, useless dips—ts. Basically just another child that Mom has to look after. Every sitcom is, ‘Tonight on ABC, Larry burns down the house.’ And the tagline in the commercial for every household product is basically, ‘Because your husband is a moron.’”
BONUS: GROUCHO MARX SINGS A SONG ABOUT FATHER’S DAY ON THE DICK CAVETT SHOW
The post 10 Classic Father’s Day Jokes From Some of Comedy’s Biggest Names appeared first on VICE.
