My mom passed away from cancer in 2019; I was 27, and she was 60. Since then, my dad, two sisters (plus a brother-in-law a couple of years later), and I have remained close and see each other frequently.
But while we’ve been grieving the loss and navigating a “new normal” in the years since, there have been shifts and changes to our family dynamics. It makes sense that things aren’t the same, but I’ve been especially surprised by how much of my mother’s role I’ve taken on.
In many ways, losing my mom has required me to “mother” my sisters, my dad, and even myself in ways I couldn’t expect. It’s not all bad, but it’s a hard shift that makes grieving even more complicated.
My sisters and I handle family logistics
As in a lot of families, my mom initiated and coordinated most family gatherings, holidays, and events with our immediate and extended family. Though I’d pitch in to cook or bring something, it was her spearheading the efforts.
Now, together with my sisters, I often plan or bring meals for family dinners and communicate with relatives to coordinate plans, taking on the logistics our mom handled. Along with my dad, we rotate through planning or divide up the responsibilities.
It’s a group effort, and something we have to be intentional about so things don’t fall through the cracks.
I support my dad differently now
Another way my role has shifted is in supporting my dad more. When he lost his wife and partner, he also lost the person he discussed family finances and household issues with. I’ve since stepped into the gap as his sounding board for some decisions I wouldn’t have even been privy to before.
My sisters and I have also become his first point of contact when he’s traveling, needs a pick-up, or in case of emergency.
To me, helping each other out is simply what families do, so I don’t mind it. Still, there’s a big adjustment — it’s a role I simply wouldn’t play if my mom were still alive. Her absence feels especially significant in these moments.
I’m around for my sisters more
I’ve always been close to my two sisters, but losing our mom has made us all step up to support each other more, especially during big life decisions and transitions. There’s a greater need now because our mother’s death left a huge void.
When my younger sister got married, we took her dress shopping. When she had a baby, I cooked a bunch of prepared meals and brought them over to her. When any of us are struggling with something, we call each other and talk it out, often encouraging each other with advice our mom had shared with us before.
I know they feel the same as I do: we desperately wish she were here for this part of our lives. We are so grateful for the support we have as sisters in her absence.
I “mother” myself, too
There are so many things I wish I could talk to my mom about. I could get all the good advice in the world and still only want to know her opinion on some things. It’s hard to grapple with the reality that I don’t have that anymore.
I’ve had to learn to “mother” myself in this sense — learning to process my emotions and find other people to rely on for emotional support. My sisters, dad, other family, and friends have all stepped in as motherly-like supporters in different ways, and I know I’m lucky to have that.
In the years since her death, I find I’m not just grieving my mom, but the sense of normalcy we once had as a family. The changing roles and dynamics have been tough to navigate, and I often wish things could go back to how they were. I’m making peace with where things are now, and I’d like to think she’d be proud of how her family has stuck together in love and support.
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