[The presidents stare out from their portraits along the White House Corridor of Misleading Presidential Facts.]
Thomas Jefferson: Well, lads, we did it: 250 glorious years. The American experiment is—dare I say it?—a success!
[Donald Trump and Dana White, the Ultimate Fighting Championship CEO, stroll past the wall of paintings.]
John Adams: Who’s that?
[Muffled roar from behind the White House]
Abraham Lincoln: What’s going on in that structure at the back of the White House?
Harry Truman: My balcony?
Lincoln: Lower. The thing that says UFC Freedom 250 on it.
James Buchanan: That’s the president’s arena for his mixed martial arts match, to celebrate his 80th birthday and, supposedly, America’s birthday too.
Calvin Coolidge: …
Theodore Roosevelt: Did someone say “arena”? I love an arena! Bully! And the president is going to fight in the arena, you say?
Buchanan: No, he is going to watch while other men fight, and talk critically about them.
Roosevelt: (Tosses down his hat and stamps on it.) That is the worst thing he could do!
Warren Harding: Now, hang on. It’s possible that he’s a very good, standard-issue president otherwise.
Rutherford B. Hayes: He knocked down the East Wing to build an enormous ballroom.
Woodrow Wilson: (Gleefully rubbing his hands.) And it looks like his “secretary of war” is taking steps to resegregate the military!
Buchanan: And thanks to this president’s initiative, you can watch the ultimate-fighting bouts being broadcast from the South Lawn, streaming only on Paramount+ (available for a mere $8.99 a month). Closed captioning sponsored by Trump Coin!
John Adams: I feel confident judging the president on this basis. Buchanan, how do you know so much about all this?
Buchanan: Any time a president’s approval rating drops below a certain level, I get a special notification about what he’s been up to. The closed captioning I can see with my new Paramount+ subscription. Look, John! They even played a video about how you were the first president to live in the White House, and the wrestling announcer is reading your prayer from the mantelpiece.
Adams: I dislike all of this.
Wilson: The live music is nice, though.
[The Marine Band plays the Pirates of the Caribbean theme song while the announcer promotes crypto and Truth Social.]
Ronald Reagan: Who’s paying for this?
Buchanan: I see a logo for Crypto.com on the mat, right near where that fellow just clutched the other fellow between his thick, muscular legs for several riveting minutes.
Harding: What is crypto?
Buchanan: It’s when you give someone a bunch of money and that money kind of disappears but also might be very valuable. The sponsors of this reputable-looking event assure me that it is not a scam. I hear this president has made a lot of money off it.
Ulysses S. Grant: That sounds just like what my son’s business partner promised me. I believe them! Here is all my money! [Beat] Oh no! All my money is gone.
Andrew Jackson: I’m bored. I hope this is one of those arenas where two men fight to the death just for the president’s own sick pleasure. [Beat] I killed a man once.
Jefferson: Now, wait. Maybe this is a normal celebration.
Adams: A man in a suit and no shirt just walked out of the White House to “Your Sex Is On Fire,” by the Kings of Leon.
Roosevelt: Hardly formal, I’ll admit, but this fight might still be a celebration for all of America.
Jimmy Carter: Josh Hokit, a large man with a lion tattoo on his chest, just shouted “Michelle Obama is a man” in his post-bout interview. Received with cheers. At the White House.
Jefferson: We must be misunderstanding something.
Lincoln: I don’t think so.
Jefferson: We made it to 250 years of no kings! No living under the thumb of a single man who could trample on the wishes of our local governments, quarter troops where he pleased, and seize our citizens without due process! There must be more to our nation’s birthday than this. More respect for the people’s house and the citizens. Less … gleeful trampling.
Buchanan: Thomas, when you keep going on and on about the Republic, I can’t hear what Joe Rogan is saying.
Lyndon B. Johnson: Who the [unprintable] is Joe Rogan? Hey, what happened to the Rose Garden? It’s full of umbrellas. And where’s the Voting Rights Act?
Jackson: I want to see the men fight. Fight to the death! Fight to the death!
Adams: Please, stop.
[Long silence]
James Madison: At least when the British burned this place down, they didn’t try to monetize it.
The post And Now a Few Words From Our Former Presidents on UFC 250 appeared first on The Atlantic.
