Everyone seems to be “maxxing” in some way today…max-maxxing, if you will. But one particular trend that’s enticing many Gen Zers is “solo-maxxing,” aka leading a solo lifestyle and opting out of dating.
Is this trend the healthy choice for you, or are you just avoiding dating out of fear? Let’s dive in.
What Is Solo-Maxxing?
Solo-maxxing is pretty much exactly as it sounds: doing life solo—or simply choosing to be single.
“Solo-maxxing is the trending name for the intentional decision to live solo and focus finances and time on yourself, rather than on a relationship,” Matthew Willner, LCSW and Psychotherapist, explains. “Over recent decades, the trends of declining partnership rates and increases in young adults living alone have been clear.”
There are countless reasons why someone might select a life of solitude, from financial concerns and lifestyle preferences to dating burnout and a fear of getting hurt.
“It makes historical sense that in times of uncertainty, instability, and inequality, more people would elect to live a more frugal, independent lifestyle,” says Willner. “For some it is a choice, and for others it’s a necessity.”
Is Solo-Maxxing a Healthy Lifestyle Choice?
Solo-maxxing can certainly be a healthy lifestyle choice, so long as the motive stems from empowerment rather than fear.
“Whether or not the pattern is healthy really depends on the motivation,” says Willer. “Looking inward and exploring whether independence is coming from healthy self-prioritization or avoidance is key.”
“A person who is genuinely prioritizing and caring for their own needs can clearly articulate their motivations and can imagine a future seeking connection without feeling triggered by it,” Willner adds. “The person solo-maxxing for avoidance can’t. They may feel that their ‘peace’ depends on the absence of relational connection, not their own care for themselves.”
Additionally, he adds, rigidity is a signal that solo-maxxing is a protective coping strategy rather than a form of self-actualization. For example, someone who is solo-maxxing healthily typically does not over-identify with the idea. They’re fine doing things alone, but they’re flexible when it comes to potential future connections.
On the other hand, someone who is rigidly solo-maxxing with no room for nuance is likely just avoiding future uncertainty and pain.
“If I’m working with a therapy client in this position, I would get curious about their upbringing, particularly if their childhood was impacted by economic strife, inconsistent caregiving, or frequent conflict,” Willner says. “The concern is not that independence or a grounded decision to live alone is unhealthy. The concern is when that decision is made purely from a place of self-protection so rigid that it forecloses on the potential for healing and reparative connection. Repairing attachment wounds requires some tolerance for risk.”
As Willner states, the goal isn’t to drop self-protection altogether, but rather to identify unhealthy relationship patterns that have led to pain and suffering. For example, maybe you don’t actually want to give up dating, but you’ve noticed that you always lose yourself in romantic relationships. Rather than avoiding connections altogether, you might develop a new approach with your therapist.
On the other hand, you might realize you simply don’t crave companionship and would be more fulfilled on your own. Neither is right or wrong, but therapy can help you get to the core of your solo-maxxing intentions.
“From there, a client may decide to live independently because it is what they truly desire, not to protect themselves from unhealed wounds,” Willner says.
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