When Wedding Guests Don’t Bring a Gift

On their wedding day in November 2022, Christy and Bruce Chisholm were fully in hosting mode, moving through hugs and conversations and paying little attention to the gifts their guests had brought them.

“I wasn’t tracking who brought what,” Christy Chisholm recalled. “I was focused on creating a feeling: warmth, generosity, a sense that people were cared for and included. I would never have called it out or allowed anything to disrupt that emotional atmosphere.”

After their ceremony and reception at the Stone Eagle Golf Club in Palm Desert, Calif., the couple finally began opening their cards and gifts. They noticed that some guests had put a lot of thought into their gifts, with handwritten notes that made them pause. But there were a handful of others who gave nothing: no card, no message, no acknowledgment tied to the occasion. And that’s where their feelings shifted.

The couple felt a mix of curiosity and, “if I’m honest, a flicker of hurt,” Christy said.

They had parallel thoughts. Maybe those guests were unsure of expectations, maybe something was going on in their lives, maybe a gift slipped through the cracks. At the same time, the Chisholms had spent a lot on their wedding, receptions, entertainment and shuttles for the guests.

Neither wanted to create a confrontation. “It made me more aware that people carry very different interpretations of etiquette,” Christy said.

So, what is the best gift-giving etiquette for wedding guests?

Jeff Galak, an associate professor of marketing at Carnegie Mellon University’s Tepper School of Business, whose research focuses on gift-giving, offered his perspective and advice. “The wedding couple,” he said, “needs to take a hard look at why they expect gifts at a wedding in the first place.”

For some couples, gifts, especially cash, are a way to recoup the expenses of a pricey wedding reception. For others, gifts are a way to sort out who their true friends are. And for others still, gifts are a cultural vestige of a time when people tended to get married early in their adult lives, with little to their names.

Today, as more couples are getting married later in life, when financial situations are already established (the average age last year, according to The Knot, was 32), it is essential to question whether gifting expectations are a holdover of the past, Galak said.

After all, he noted, not all guests have the financial means to do much beyond attending a wedding.

Couples who see their wedding day as a means of acquisition, be it in the form of cash or material gifts, should make it clear to their guests what is expected of them, Galak said. It may seem gauche to be so specific, but doing otherwise could be setting both the givers and the newlyweds up for hurt feelings and broken friendships.

As for the timing of gifts, etiquette experts generally suggest sticking close to the wedding date. Otherwise, a very late gift, though appreciated, may not be associated with the wedding at all.

Lizzie Post, the great-great-granddaughter of the etiquette doyenne, Emily Post, and a president of the Emily Post Institute in Burlington, Vt., offers some suggestions for both couples and their guests:

If you don’t receive a wedding gift from a guest, mail them a thank-you note anyway for attending the wedding.
All handwritten thank-you notes should be sent within three months after the wedding.
Do not send preprinted notes.
If you’re asking for money, provide a variety of choices for the amount. Avoid prompts for how much to give.
Specify what the cash gift might be used for, such as activities during the honeymoon, or a down payment on your first house together. But keep the requests related to celebrating the marriage — not helping pay for health insurance, for instance.
If you have a gift registry, make sure both spouses can use the items.
Guests can send physical gifts or gifts of money before and after the wedding — or bring gifts to the wedding. It’s best, though, to be prompt.
Forget the old “rule” that guests invited to the first and second (or third or fourth) weddings do not have to give a gift. Post said it’s best to give a gift no matter the number of marriages, for one or both spouses. If one partner has been previously married, there is no need to punish the other with no gift, she added.
If the couple is from a different culture, get in touch with someone from that heritage to ask about appropriate gift-giving.