Sonja Lyubomirsky has spent 30 years studying happiness, and she knows exactly what the research says about how to keep her spirits up.
That doesn’t mean actually doing it is always easy.
Connecting with people, exercising regularly, meditating — all of these research-backed strategies to improve health and happiness take effort. Like many of us, Lyubomirsky, a distinguished professor of psychology at the University of California at Riverside and author of the book, “The How of Happiness,” said it’s challenging to fit it all in.
She has developed a half-dozen habits that she prioritizes every day even, or especially, if she doesn’t feel like it. The Washington Post asked her what her happiness non-negotiables are and why.
Exercise every day, even if it’s only for 30 seconds
Regular exercise is crucial for one’s mental health and well-being.
“My trick is — because I’m so busy, I have four kids and two jobs basically — I’ll go for a 15-minute run, or I’ll run up the stairs,” Lyubomirsky said. “It invigorates me.”
Research shows that with exercise routines, often the perfect can be the enemy of the good: If we can’t make it to the gym or we don’t have time to run three miles, we tend to not do it at all.
Lyubomirsky said a surprisingly small amount of exercise makes a big difference for our state of mind and overall health. Even just running for the bus or doing a few jumping jacks can have an impact.
Reach out to people, literally
Whether you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert, Lyubomirsky and other researchers have found that being social makes us happier. She even wrote a book arguing that love is the key to happiness.
“I really practice what I preach,” Lyubomirsky said.
She prioritizes time with friends and family, and makes a point to reach out to people, both metaphorically and literally.
“I spend a lot of time with my kids, cuddling and talking and watching TV together,” Lyubomirsky said.
She’s also affectionate with friends, often hugging them and sometimes even holding hands.
“Most people will think it’s a little weird,” she said.
But from her research, Lyubomirsky said she’s learned the benefits of physical touch. Cuddling, holding hands or even petting a dog can stimulate the release of the hormone oxytocin, making us feel a sense of calm and well-being.
“Physical touch is really undervalued,” she said.
Go beyond small talk
Connecting with people and even small talk with strangers has proven benefits. But Lyubomirsky also said it’s important to go deeper, and she tries to be honest and vulnerable in her conversations with friends and even sometimes with acquaintances.
“Talking about things that matter, that are meaningful to you,” Lyubomirsky said. “So many of us are really hesitant to share ourselves and it just seems scary. We think it’ll be awkward. We think we’ll be judged.”
On the contrary, she and other researchers have found that being vulnerable when appropriate is how we connect and feel seen.
Lyubomirsky also said that many people fear asking questions that feel too personal, but on average when psychologists study this, people crave to be asked, and enjoy real conversations more than shallow ones.
Practice spirituality
Research shows that people who identify as religious are happier.
That is in part because religion provides people with a built-in community and a sense of meaning, both of which are linked to happiness and well being.
“It’s incontrovertible,” Lyubomirsky said.
Lyubomirsky said she doesn’t consider herself traditionally religious, but has grown more spiritual over the years. She said whether spirituality comes through organized religion or through experiences like spending time in nature, cultivating a sense of purpose is essential to happiness.
Breathe deeply
Lyubomirsky said when she feels anxious, she uses breathing exercises to calm herself.
Anxiety often causes people to breathe faster, but consciously slowing down our breath can bring our bodies into a more physiologically relaxed place. That in turn calms the mind.
Research has shown that in some people, mindfulness can be as effective as medication to relieve anxiety, and five minutes a day of breath work can improve mood and lower stress.
Lyubomirsky doesn’t do breathing exercises at any particular time of day, and she suggested keeping it simple, consciously inhaling and exhaling while letting thoughts and worries pass by without engaging with them.
Gradually these practices train your brain to stress less about what could go wrong and focus more on the present moment.
List the good things
When Lyubomirsky first heard about the idea of keeping a gratitude journal, it sounded kind of hokey to her. But in many studies, she saw the remarkable benefits of being thankful.
She started a file on her computer with a running list of good things that happened, and saw the results in her own life.
“It’s really powerful, because not only does that feel good, but reading them again is really wonderful,” Lyubomirsky said. “It changes how you go through your week. Maybe I’m even creating more good things so I can put them on my list.”
She also makes a point of expressing appreciation to the people in her life, and thinking about experiences as she’s having them.
“It’s literally stopping and smelling the roses. When I’m eating, focusing on how good it tastes and how happy I feel. Enjoying music. Sometimes it’s really simple,” she said.
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