Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who couldn’t care less whether you lived or died? (Unfortunately, I’ve certainly been there.)
Dating someone who so clearly despises you and your joy is one of the worst feelings and most damaging experiences. However, the contempt is not always obvious.
“While hatred and contempt are two different things, contempt is what I see more,” notes Melissa Kester, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Certified Relational Life Therapist, and Certified Sex and Couples Therapist. “If you are noticing [the following] behaviors, tee up a conversation. Let your significant other know you are worried.”
Here are six signs your partner might actually hate you—or at least harbor some contempt.
1. Punitive Withdrawal
Many partners will withdraw from arguments or discussions when they feel emotionally overwhelmed. In and of itself, this isn’t always a sign that your significant other doesn’t respect you. However, if they default to withdrawal because they simply “can’t be bothered,” there’s a deeper issue at play.
“While withdrawal can be a normal coping tool, it can also be used in a contemptuous way when partners leave, shut down, or never really listen to begin with,” says Kester.
2. Degradation
I’ve witnessed far too many couples speak to each other as though they believe they’re better than one another. For example, one partner might diminish the other’s success or criticize parts of their personality.
“Talking down to each other is never a good sign,” Kester says. “It shows that we think of ourselves as above someone else in that moment.”
3. Dismissal
Dismissing your partner’s feelings can be one of the most harmful habits in a relationship. If your significant other continuously downplays your experience, whether in the relationship or elsewhere, they might be harboring some sort of contempt.
“While many of us do this, it can be done to such a degree that love no longer feels present in the relationship,” says Kester.
4. Indifference
Indifference is one of the clearest signs someone is checked out of a relationship, whether due to resentment or contempt. This can look like a complete lack of care toward you and your relationship.
“They are no longer connected to your joys or worries,” Kester points out. “They just [couldn’t] care less. There isn’t even anger.”
“The opposite of love isn’t anger, it’s indifference,” Kester adds.
5. Unbridled Self-Expression
While no one should have to filter themselves completely in a relationship, partners should have enough respect for each other not to spew hurtful remarks.
According to Kester, unbridled self-expression, or “the verbal emotional dump where you don’t care what they are feeling; you just have to get it off your chest,” is a clear sign of contempt.
6. No Interest in Repairing
The ability to repair is one of the most important skills in a couple. If someone is unwilling to do so, or simply unbothered by the disconnect, you’re essentially tied to a sinking ship.
“A healthy couple wants to come back and repair,” says Kester. “They want to know they are still connected.”
“When you bring your experience to your partner, do they care?” Kester continues. “Are they able to be curious? Is there a diagnosis that might make this difficult? Can they take in a small part of what you are saying? Can they make room to repair, or do they dismiss, punish, degrade, or become indifferent?”
The answers to these questions can shed light on your partner’s true feelings toward you and your relationship.
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