The term “trauma bond” has been thrown around carelessly over the past few years, becoming a buzzword of sorts. However, despite what many believe, a true trauma bond occurs between a victim and their abuser, not between two people who have bonded over shared trauma. Clinically speaking, it’s much darker than how it’s often portrayed online.
If you or someone you know is trapped in an unhealthy dynamic with an abuser, it’s crucial to seek professional help and safety in community. Here are three signs you might be in a trauma-bonded relationship.
1. You Feel Obligated to Protect or Save Your Partner
Abusers typically target empathy or sensitive individuals, molding them into their ideal victims. They take advantage of their kindness, understanding, and even insecurity, and begin to break down their confidence and sense of self. Perhaps they themselves play the victim in their own lives, gaining the sympathy of their victims.
As a result, these victims often develop a sense of loyalty to their partner. They feel the need to protect, save, or fix the very person who is harming them.
“Many times, the most obvious sign is when a person has an intense emotional connection with someone who consistently harms, degrades, or manipulates them, but believes they have some obligation to protect or rescue this individual,” says Dr. Lori Bohn, a Board-Certified Psychiatric-Mental Health Nurse Practitioner and Medical Director at Voyager Recovery Center. “In many of my cases as a therapist, I’ve had clients downplay the extent of the abusive behavior; they focus intently on ‘the good’ parts of their relationship.”
2. You Blame Yourself for Your Partner’s Actions
A common issue for victims is that they genuinely believe they deserve the abuse they’re enduring. Whether through a lack of self-worth, manipulation, or chronic shame, they fall into a cycle with their abuser.
“The people in these types of relationships will very often begin to think they cause the abuse (i.e., ‘If I were better, we’d be okay’), and/or that if they behaved differently, the relationship would become healthier,” Dr. Bohn explains. “Because they’ve been repeatedly lied to, manipulated, verbally abused, or gaslighted over time, survivors can lose faith in their own decision-making processes.”
3. You Feel Isolated From Your Community
Abusers often purposefully isolate their victims from their loved ones. This can be as simple as planting seeds in their victim’s mind about the friends or family being “toxic,” or as complex as monitoring and controlling who they are speaking to.
However, the victim will often isolate themselves due to their internal shame or desire to protect their person.
“In addition to the other ways abusers create isolation through restricting contact with loved ones, etc., some also create a social environment where there’s no one else left for the survivor to talk to,” Dr. Bohn says. “This can happen in many different ways, but survivors will tell me all the time that they simply quit discussing the relationship altogether—they became so tired of constantly having to defend their partner to others, or they didn’t want to be judged.”
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