A bottle of Chardonnay was recovered from inside a woman’s body cavity at a Michigan jail. That’s where we’re starting. This is a real news story, people.
Per local outlet Up North Live, the 48-year-old Traverse City woman had allegedly walked into a liquor store the day before, grabbed a bottle of Chardonnay, and walked out past employees who searched her and found nothing. Because the wine wasn’t in her bag. It wasn’t in her coat. It was in her. Tucked away somewhere that a liquor store employee is neither trained nor paid to check.
Police arrested her, and a cavity search at the jail found the Chardonnay. She was then transported to Munson Medical Center. Retail fraud cases don’t usually require a hospital. This one did.
This wasn’t even her first visit. The day before, she’d allegedly walked into the same store, drank a bottle of alcohol off the shelf at 9 a.m. without paying, and got caught. Twenty-four hours later, she was back, apparently having spent the intervening time workshopping a better approach.
Don’t Shove Things Up Places. You’ll End Up in the Hospital (Then Maybe Jail).
She’s now facing two counts of retail fraud, one count of smuggling, and trespassing. Smuggling. A charge typically reserved for contraband crossing international borders, now attached to a bottle of Chardonnay that crossed a much more…personal border.
She’s not the first person to test the limits of what a human body can hold, either. Earlier this year, doctors in Brazil treated a 54-year-old man who showed up to an emergency room in Manaus with a 2-kg metal dumbbell lodged in his rectum. Nearly eight inches long. Four and a half pounds. He’d reportedly tried to handle it himself first, spent two full days in that situation, and was described upon hospital arrival as “clinically stable.” His case report noted he was “uncooperative during the examination.” Hard to imagine why.
The human body wasn’t designed for any of this. So, for the love of god—please stop it.
The woman’s name hasn’t been released.
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