If you’ve ever heard the saying “needle in a haystack,” you likely know just how difficult it is to find said needle in today’s dating haystack. That’s why Dr. Jennie Young coined the Burned Haystack Dating Method, which helps daters weed out the wrong partners to get to their matches.
Her book, Burn the Haystack, advises women to write off anyone who doesn’t align with them, which goes against the advice women usually get: “Just give him a chance!”
Now, as someone who spent her 20s sorting through her own stack of hay, this concept certainly intrigues me. In fact, I wish I were equipped with this insight back then. It definitely would’ve saved me some of my best years.
Anyway.
Many dating experts and mental health professionals believe the Burned Haystack Dating Method is the key to speeding up your dating process and finding your person.
Let’s dive in.
What Is the Burned Haystack Dating Method?
According to Brie Temple, Chief Matchmaker and Chief Commercial Officer (CCO) at Tawkify, “Rather than being about passive selection, the ‘burned haystack’ method homes in on intentional elimination. It’s really a time saver.”
Essentially, this dating method involves completely writing off people who don’t align with you and your values, morals, life goals, etc. Think of it like this: You’re burning down the haystack to get to the needle in the middle, aka your ideal partner.
“It shifts dating from a numbers game to a clear, goal-driven process,” says Temple. “This method changes things from being chosen to choosing well and intentionally.”
Benefits of Burned Haystack Dating
Too often, people waste time trying to see things through with someone who isn’t aligned with them. I’m a prime example of this. In my 20s, I dated the potential of someone rather than the actual person in front of me. That wasn’t fair to me or the other person.
While some things do take time to grow, it’s important to identify dealbreakers and incompatibilities early on.
“Using this dating strategy can help you avoid experiencing exhaustion since you will not have to waste time dating someone whom you know is not suitable from the start,” says Temple. “With this, you can maintain your principles instead of compromising for temporary passion or attraction. Ultimately, it will lead to improved self-respect and sound decision-making skills. It will generally make it easier for you to find an appropriate partner.”
How to Implement Burned Haystack Dating
Define Your Non-Negotiables
We all have our own needs and preferences in dating. For example, while one person might be dead-set against long-distance relationships, another might prefer leading separate lives. There’s no right or wrong, but if you don’t know your own dealbreakers, you might waste time dating them.
“To start, you need to establish a few non-negotiables based on your ideal relationship, including things like communication styles, values, and career path,” says Temple. “You should be straightforward in highlighting these aspects to know whether someone fits the picture early enough.”
Don’t Date Potential
Don’t make the same mistake I made by dating someone’s potential. Commit to someone who meets you where you are, not who you hope will eventually catch up to you.
“Avoid investing too much hope in potential since you should focus on consistency instead of what may happen,” says.
Leave Behind What Isn’t Aligned
This piece of advice is rich coming from a woman who’s never quite mastered the art of leaving…but over time, I’ve learned it’s sometimes the kindest thing to do.
“You should absolutely give yourself permission to walk away if it does not seem to work, instead of trying to justify it or fix things,” says Temple.
After all, by burning through the wrong ones, you’ll get to the right one—the needle in a haystack—in no time.
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