A recent survey by Hily Dating App found that 71 percent of people feel motivated to actively date. Naturally, many of those people are turning to dating apps as their solution. But therapists are warning of some of the dangers of misusing (or prematurely using) dating apps, especially when it comes to mental health.
Here are five things therapists wish people understood before downloading a dating app—so you can get the best results.
1. You Must Understand What You’re Looking For
When you don’t know what you want in dating, you tend to fall for just about anyone who piques your interest. Some of my worst dating experiences stemmed from my own lack of clarity.
“Dating apps open you up to more people than you’d realistically meet in your day-to-day life, which is one of the best parts of them,” says Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, relationship expert at Hily Dating App and Harvard-trained clinical psychologist. “But it can also feel overwhelming and hard to make intentional choices if you don’t have some kind of internal anchor. A lot of people go in thinking they’ll just ‘see what happens,’ but then end up pulled in different directions by surface-level attraction, curiosity, or the feeling of being pursued.”
Thankfully, you don’t have to know exactly what you’re looking for—just a basic idea of your dating intentions and ideal partner.
“Even having a loose sense of what you’re looking for helps you move through profiles, likes, matches, and conversations with more intention,” Romanoff adds. “It shifts you out of reacting to everyone else and back into choosing for yourself.”
2. It’s Important to Check In With Yourself
Many people assume they should just “get back out there” after a heartbreak or period of solitude, but that’s not necessarily always the best course of action. It’s important to understand how you feel about dating, not pressuring yourself if you aren’t ready. Are your intentions pure, or are you just craving some validation? (No shame!)
“You must be honest and ask yourself: what’s actually bringing me to open up this dating app right now? Am I curious about who is out there and open to new people, or am I feeling lonely, afraid, or desperate to feel chosen?” Romanoff says. “Dating doesn’t really fix those feelings, and often, they get amplified when they become the main driver.”
3. Your Dating Experience Is Not a Measure of Your Worth
I don’t know about you, but for a while, the dating apps weren’t even fueling my desire for validation. In fact, they were actually harming my confidence. Either I felt completely objectified or simply not impressive.
“There’s a lot of feedback that you’ll get: likes, matches, and responses. Many people start reading more meaning into those metrics than they should,” says Romanoff. “For example, people will take it personally when they’re not getting the matches and likes they want. Your experience on the app does not measure your value. It’s just a reflection of how you’re showing up in a very specific system.”
4. Energy Is Important
When meeting new people, pay attention to how you feel in their presence. Energy is telling, and even if someone appears good on paper (or, in this case, on an app), this doesn’t always mean they’re a good match.
“It’s easy to focus on the checklist. You can filter for education level, height, and neighborhood, but none of those checked boxes matter if the person is a dud, can’t keep a conversation, or is rude in initial conversations,” says Romanoff. “Ask yourself: do I feel at ease talking to them? Are they engaged and asking questions back? Can I be myself? Your inner experience is often a much better indicator.”
5. You’re Buying, Not Selling
In dating, many people feel the need to “sell” themselves to their potential matches. However, this automatically puts you in a disempowered position. You don’t need to impress anyone. Focus on how you feel about others, not the other way around.
“A lot of people unconsciously slip into the mindset that their self-worth is up for debate in dating,” says Romanoff. “They start feeling like they have to perform or be perfect in order to be picked. But dating isn’t a one-way audition, and the other person isn’t the casting director for your life. You’re also figuring out if this person works for you as your partner (hopefully for life).”
“When you shift into that mindset (e.g., do I like them, does it feel good to talk to them, do they make me feel safe), it takes a lot of that pressure off and makes the experience feel a lot more balanced, aka a mutual vetting process,” she adds.
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