My beloved niece is graduating from the U.S. Naval Academy next month. She has invited me to attend her graduation ceremony. Typically, the president, the vice president or one of the president’s cabinet officials addresses the midshipmen and their families as the commencement speaker. But listening to a self-serving speech by any of these individuals would be nauseating for me given our current geopolitical situation. So, I’m inclined to skip the graduation ceremony and to attend the family party afterward. But that means I would miss watching my niece collect her diploma and make her first salute as a commissioned officer. Will she think I chose politics over honoring her achievement?
AUNT
Short answer: yes. Your niece will probably believe that you are prioritizing politics over her graduation if you skip the ceremony and attend the party a little later — because that is precisely what you will be doing. And that may be necessary for you. I am not here to judge your political or moral beliefs. But let me remind you that there is no Republican Navy or Democratic Navy. The armed forces protect all Americans.
Now, I don’t mean to minimize the tremendous influence that a sitting president wields on military matters while in office. And you may object fiercely to the current president’s military choices. But elected officials come and go, and it would be wrong to conflate politicians with the brave men and women who dedicate their lives to defending our country in the armed services. The president may be commander in chief, but only until the next one is sworn into office.
Still, I understand your ambivalence about attending a ceremony that features a speaker with whom you may disagree strongly. So, how about excusing yourself for that portion of the ceremony (provided that the actual speaker this year is objectionable to you)? If attending is still impossible, make sure to explain your absence to your niece in a way that distinguishes politics from the greater cause to which she is dedicating her young life.
Sometimes a Stop Isn’t Just to Smell the Roses
I was walking my dog on a leash recently when he stopped to sniff some flowers at the edge of a neighbor’s yard. My dog was standing on the public sidewalk. My neighbor asked me to stop my dog from doing that. She said it attracted other dogs. I figured she couldn’t see that my dog wasn’t peeing, so I said, “Oh, he’s just sniffing.” My neighbor replied, “This is not a dog park,” and turned away. This same neighbor has spoken to me harshly about my dog before. What is the best way to respond?
DOG MOM
Over decades of walking a string of much-loved dogs, I have observed that sniffing — flowers, sticks, bird poop on the sidewalk — can turn to peeing in a split second. And dog urine can kill flowers. So, despite your sound argument that your dog was not trespassing and your dislike of your neighbor’s snippy tone, focus on being a good neighbor: Keep your dog moving briskly past this neighbor’s yard.
Trump Administration: Live Updates
Updated
- The Treasury Dept. issues more sanctions on Iranian oil exports.
- An appeals court rules against Trump’s detention policy.
- The Trump administration secures a new indictment against James Comey.
Responsible dog owners are sometimes forced to pay for the sins of irresponsible ones. Your neighbor seems to dislike dogs, and it’s unlikely that you will convince her to make an exception for yours.
Commiseration Addict? Cut Off His Supply.
I need help with a co-worker. He is very effective in his position, but he complains nonstop — particularly about his workload. But the reason he has so much work is that he volunteered to take on additional duties. I’ve told him to speak with our supervisor. She is supportive and would reassign some of his work. How do I tell my co-worker to stop complaining? I’ve tried to be compassionate, but my patience is wearing thin.
CO-WORKER
In my experience, chronic complainers thrive on sympathy, and they often prefer the martyrdom of complaint to an actual solution to their problems. I have found a gentle clapback to be effective here. Say: “I’ve already told you how to fix this problem. Have you spoken to our supervisor yet?” (Spoiler: He probably hasn’t.) And he may not stop complaining entirely, but he will stop complaining to you.
Count Your Blessings, This Isn’t About You
Last week, we saw paramedics and then the police and then a hearse at our neighbors’ townhouse. I texted the couple to ask if they were OK and to offer our help. We are casually friendly with them. (We’ve had dinner in each other’s homes.) I have seen lots of family at the house this week, but we still don’t know who died: husband or wife. There has been no obituary online. Should I back off and let it go that they don’t want our family informed?
NEIGHBOR
I may be misreading your letter, but you seem to be more curious about what happened next door than broken up over the death of a neighbor. Your last line suggests that you are taking the situation personally, but the death has nothing to do with you! The grieving survivor has more on his or her mind right now than informing everyone who ever dined with them of the loss. Back off, and wait until you see an obituary or the surviving spouse to express your condolences.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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