There’s a version of dating that looks completely normal from the outside. You’re going on dates, staying open, putting in the effort. And if someone likes you—reaches out after, makes it obvious they’re interested—you feel this immediate wash of relief. Like you passed something.
The problem is that feeling has almost nothing to do with the other person. A lot of people are out there dating not because they genuinely want love, but because they need the validation of being chosen. The two can look identical from the outside, but operate on completely different engines. Here’s how to tell which one is driving.
You’re Already Picturing the Relationship
If your mind keeps skipping ahead to what having a partner would feel like rather than staying present with the actual person in front of you, pay attention to that. Moe Ari Brown, LMFT, and Hinge’s in-house Love and Connection Expert, says real interest stays grounded in the person themselves. “You should see them as a whole person, not a flattened version or a fantasy,” he told SELF.
When you’re more attached to the idea of being chosen than to who’s doing the choosing, the emotional payoff lives in your head, not the relationship.
Chemistry Only Exists in the Room
In person, everything is awesome. Good conversation, real chemistry, maybe even a sense that this could be something. Then you walk out the door, and it’s just…gone. Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert, calls this “performative chemistry”—connection that feels convincing in the room but has no real foundation underneath it. If the feeling can’t survive a few hours apart, it’s worth asking what was actually driving it.
You Fast-Track the Emotional Intimacy
Oversharing early on can feel like openness, but Dr. Romanoff notes it can function more like a shortcut. Accelerating intimacy delivers immediate validation and creates the sensation of connection without the time and trust that actual connection really needs.
You Keep People Warm Without Going Anywhere
Consistent texting, easy flirting—but the plans never quite materialize. “When someone is driven by their ego, they tend to keep people interested by dangling a carrot,” Dr. Romanoff says. Keeping someone engaged feels good. Actually deepening something is a totally different ask.
You Show Up in Bursts
Interest that spikes when you’re bored or lonely and flatlines just as fast is a recognizable pattern. Dr. Romanoff describes it as engagement driven by internal need rather than sustained interest in another person. Consistent effort signals a genuine connection. Waves of attention usually signal something else.
Everyone Gets the Same Version of You
If your conversations feel interchangeable across different people, same questions, same energy, same investment, you might be less interested in knowing anyone specifically and more interested in keeping attention flowing. Danielle Madonna, LCSW, a Long Island psychotherapist, calls this “a need for widespread validation rather than focused emotional investment.”
You Lose Interest the Moment They’re Available
Watch what happens to your interest once someone stops playing hard to get. If it vanishes right around the time they say they’re into you, the chase was the whole game. As Madonna says, “When enthusiasm diminishes after someone expresses real interest, it can signal that the primary drive may have been validation rather than intimacy.”
How to Drop the Validation Seeking
Brown says to start by dropping the self-judgment. Wanting to feel affirmed is human. From there, ask yourself whether you feel at ease around this person, whether you’re genuinely curious about them, and whether you’re showing up as yourself or putting on a show. Brown also suggests imagining no one else’s opinion factors in and seeing if you’d still be interested. Usually, the people who look great on paper stop looking quite so appealing when the audience disappears.
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