I have three daughters: a set of twins and their younger sister, all in their 20s. The older girls have been feuding since 5th grade. As a child and teen, Twin A was outgoing, popular and athletic; while Twin B was less confident socially, not gifted athletically and emotionally volatile. In retrospect, we probably should have had them in different schools, because Twin A felt resentful of Twin B’s dependence, and Twin B grew angry at her perceived shortcomings. Our younger daughter is closer to Twin B, which causes a piled-upon feeling in Twin A.
Now successfully launched adults with lovely long-term boyfriends, they both still feel wronged by the other, which makes family gatherings a minefield. I am trying to let them solve their problem, since any time I try to help it escalates the situation. How do I navigate going forward through all the happy family events (weddings, babies, grad-degree celebrations) without their ongoing conflict derailing me?
From the Therapist: It’s so hard to watch your children struggle to get along and then carry those conflicts into adulthood. Most parents hope their children will outgrow their differences and find a way to connect as they age, but the challenge for many siblings in moving forward is that they often don’t understand what their feud is really about.
Implicitly or explicitly, we’re all given roles in our families — the generous one, the selfish one, the rigid one, the flexible one, the easygoing one, the difficult one. Sometimes these roles are named out loud (“Jane’s the smart one, she’ll go to an Ivy League school” or “Sophia’s the sensitive one, she overreacts”). Sometimes they’re couched in complaints: “Why can’t you just let things roll off your back like your sister?” And sometimes parents’ own unexamined anxieties and insecurities turn a child’s normal temperament into something that needs to be fixed: “Don’t you want to be more social?” to the introspective daughter who prefers reading at home on a Saturday night to going to loud parties like her sibling.
The more these roles are reinforced — by parents, peers, teachers and the siblings themselves — the more entrenched they become. This happens at a time when children are forming their identities (you say the conflict was particularly noticeable starting in 5th grade), and for many siblings, what looks like conflict is partly an ongoing fight for separate identities. But since twins go through their developmental phases in parallel, the struggle can be heightened: Who am I if I’m not compared to you? Your twins didn’t just grow up as siblings; they grew up as both mirrors and contrasts.
It sounds as if each of them is stuck in these old roles: one as the popular, burdened one and the other as the overlooked, inadequate one. Both roles are limiting, and both are hard to relinquish because these parts have become their entire identities in relation to each other. Even if their adult selves contradict those roles, emotionally they’re still operating from them because they continue to feel unseen in their pain. When they fight, what each twin is saying indirectly is: Please acknowledge what it was like to be me. But what each gets back is: Why? You hurt me more than I hurt you.
Hence the stalemate. Every time they come together, there’s a competition going on beneath the surface. Who experienced the most pain? Whose feelings matter more?
Unfortunately, there are no winners in the pain Olympics, which might help you understand why your well-meaning attempts to intervene have backfired. Everything is filtered through the old story: Someone is being favored, someone is being misunderstood, someone is losing.
So where does this leave you? As you said, your goal isn’t to get them to resolve their conflict. It’s to celebrate milestones peacefully. Their relationship is theirs to fix or not fix. But your relationship with each of them — and your ability to enjoy your own family’s joyful events — is yours to protect by keeping the following in mind.
First, if they complain to you, you can help them to feel heard without endorsing what they say about each other. There’s a difference between saying “You’re right about her” and “I hear how painful that felt.” Likewise, if their younger sister makes a comment about Twin A to you, you can say, “It’s lovely that you care about Twin B’s well-being, but this is an issue between them.” The point is to remove all the triangles — you, your younger daughter — so that the twins are left to deal directly with each other.
Second, choose boundary-setting over conflict-avoidance when it comes to keeping the peace. Conflict-avoidance is passive: “I’ll try to arrange the timing or location or seating and hope they won’t fight.” Boundary-setting is active: “I love you both and I hope you two will go to therapy, because it will help you to understand how the past is keeping you stuck and depriving you of what might be an enjoyable and supportive adult relationship. But whatever you do or don’t do, I expect you both to be kind to each other at family gatherings. If you can’t, I will ask you both to leave — it doesn’t matter who you think started it.” Then you follow through, every time.
Third, you can help move them out of their outdated roles by making sure you see them as individuals, not opposites. Speak to their lives as they are now, not as they were then. Avoid even subtle comparisons, because those old tensions are still tender.
More broadly, you might need to grieve the relationship you imagined for your daughters as they move through life’s milestones. Letting go of that fantasy will help you to have a strong relationship with each daughter without requiring that they resolve their history. That’s where your peace comes in. You can’t rewrite their story, but you can refuse to let it define yours.
Want to Ask the Therapist? If you have a question, email [email protected]. By submitting a query, you agree to our reader submission terms. This column is not a substitute for professional medical advice.
Lori Gottlieb is a psychotherapist and the author of the best-selling book “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.” She offers readers advice on life’s tough questions in the “Ask the Therapist” column.
The post My Adult Twins Fight Constantly. How Do I Stay Out of It? appeared first on New York Times.
