In adulthood, it seems everyone around me has their go-to “friend group.” You know, the one they hit up for weekend plans, holiday events, and summer vacations. No matter where life takes them, they have that grounding, supportive community to fall back on.
I, too, had an intimate group of friends in high school and college. But as I got older, advanced in my career, and left my hometown, I began to lose touch with some of my old friends. It wasn’t some dramatic end to the friendship, but rather a gradual growing apart. Some friends moved across the country; some got into serious relationships; some found new friends at work, etc. It happens, and it’s all part of growing up.
Now, that’s not to say I don’t have steady friends in my adult life. I pride myself on maintaining valuable one-on-one relationships with a few close, long-lasting friends. That being said, they’re not all in the same “group,” nor are we in constant contact. As an introverted homebody, I can go weeks without talking to some of my friends and still trust the bond is strong.
But I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t lonely sometimes. When everyone around you seems to fit into a group, it’s hard not to feel like an outsider. However, that doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. In fact, it often comes down to preferences.
It’s OK Not to Have a Friend Group
Not everyone thrives in a group dynamic, and you can have just as fulfilling and supportive a community through strong, individual friendships. For example, just because your five close friends aren’t all in the same group doesn’t mean you don’t still receive the same amount of support from them as you would in a group dynamic.
Rather than shaming yourself for your preferred friendship dynamics or focusing on what you lack, express gratitude for the connections you do have.
“Celebrating the friendships we already have will bring us more contentment than comparing ourselves to society’s idealized image of a larger friendship group, one that inevitably has its own imperfections and might not even be the best fit for sensitive introverts,” says Jennifer L Keluskar, Ph.D., in her Psychology Today article on the topic. “Introversion is another characteristic associated with the preference for individual friendships, although I have worked with socially anxious clients who felt more comfortable with online friend groups.”
Pouring Into the Friendships You Have
When you pour into the people in your life, they will likely naturally pour back into you. Try not to have a “the grass is always greener” mindset about friend groups. Sometimes, group dynamics can be toxic or even exclusive in nature.
There’s no right or wrong—just what you prefer/feels most comfortable for you. If you do find yourself craving community outside of your individual friendships, you can always join local groups, like a book club, a yoga studio, or even a volunteer program.
But don’t downplay those intimate, one-on-one friendships you share. They’re incredibly valuable and rare in today’s world.
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