We all know a person who shames, ridicules, and belittles others in the name of “tough love,” when in actuality, their behavior is a form of emotional abuse. While tough love is a great way to hold others accountable while still respecting and supporting them, many people blur the lines between tough love and abuse.
That begs the question: Is there a difference between the two? And if so, how can we identify and call out truly harmful behavior?
What Is ‘Tough Love’?
Growing up with OCD, I was no stranger to “tough love.” If it weren’t for the people in my life refusing to reassure me and, instead, encouraging me to sit with my uncertainty (the bane of OCD’s existence), I likely would have succumbed to it a long time ago.
Do I enjoy tough love? Not at all. But I know it’s best for me in the long run. People who truly love you and want you to heal will not enable self-destructive behavior that ultimately harms you.
“Tough love often looks like holding boundaries and enforcing natural consequences, while also offering love, guidance, and support,” says Jillian Amodio, LCSW-C and founder of Moms for Mental Health. “People must learn accountability and responsibility, and that comes with being held accountable for their own actions. However, natural consequences and boundaries should not be accompanied by shame, violence, aggression, or cruelty.”
What Is Emotional Abuse?
While I have had great experiences with true tough love along my OCD journey, I’ve also had people who’d put me down during my worst flare-ups. They would name-call me, yell at me during panic attacks, and even use my intrusive thoughts as a way to manipulate me.
That is not “tough love.” There’s a difference between holding someone accountable for what they can control and shaming them for what they cannot control.
“Emotional abuse is often fueled by anger, resentment, shame, and other strong emotions,” Amodio explains. “The goal with emotional abuse is not to offer supportive guidance toward learning accountability and learning from mistakes; it is to enforce control and make someone feel bad or inferior.”
Tough Love vs. Emotional Abuse
As different as tough love and emotional abuse might be, it’s easy to confuse the two—especially in an emotionally-charged moment. But both parties need to understand the distinctions.
“The key distinctions between tough love and abuse are the intentions, approach over time, and impact,” says Dr. Ashwini Nadkarni, MD, Assistant Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. “In tough love, the intention is to enable growth and provide accountability with an approach of clear communication (even if blunt) and consistency in boundaries. Thus, the impact is respect for a person’s abilities. Although discomfort can result, the approach is one that is tied to expectations around standards, and the logic is clear.”
In other words, just because tough love might feel harsh or trigger shame doesn’t mean it’s abuse. I used to confuse the two quite often. Because my own brain was constantly criticizing me, I cowered at the slightest bit of negative feedback. It acted as fuel for my OCD, which was like a form of emotional self-harm. But the tough love itself was not abuse.
“With abuse, there’s the intent of control or domination with an approach of fear, humiliation, or punishment,” Nadkarni points out. “There can also be ambiguity in communication, with irrational behavior, which creates confusion. The impact is ultimately emotional destabilization and harm, trauma, and long-term impact on someone’s mental health.”
“From a neurobiological context, tough love might produce adaptive stress, in which someone’s stress response system is activated, but the stress is controlled, time-limited, and meaningful, resulting in engagement of a part of the brain called the prefrontal cortex and learning and growth,” she continues. “However, with abuse, stress is unpredictable or inescapable, activating our threat detection systems and reducing the ability of the prefrontal cortex to make decisions over time.”
Unfortunately, Nadkarni adds, tough love and emotional abuse can overlap. It’s important to understand these key differences and discuss your situation with a professional.
The post Not All Tough Love Is Healthy. How to Know When It’s Actually Emotional Abuse. appeared first on VICE.
