I recently wrote an article about the new dating trend called “tolyamory,” which is not to be confused with polyamorous, a form of ethical non-monogamy. Tolyamory essentially describes a mismatch of wants/needs in a relationship, leading to one partner “tolerating” the other’s infidelity.
Well, a new survey conducted by ClarityCheck suggests that much of Gen Z is stuck in this dating dynamic, with exclusivity being an uncertain and often off-limits topic. In fact, of the 3,890 adults aged 18 to 35 surveyed, 34% said they’re unsure whether their romantic relationship is exclusive. Essentially, they’re turning a blind eye to the fact that their partner might be hooking up with other people.
Additionally, 42% said they waited longer than three months before discussing exclusivity, while 28% said they never directly addressed the subject. This is likely why “situationships” are so popular right now: because no one is willing to ask the hard questions or demand what they want.
Why Talks of Exclusivity Have Become Taboo
The survey suggests that digital communication plays a massive role in today’s lack of exclusivity—or at least the lack of conversations surrounding it. In fact, 59% of respondents said seeing their crush interact with others on social media has dissuaded them from requesting exclusivity. What’s more, 31% claimed online discourse around dating and commitment has influenced their approach to dating.
I mean, if you scroll for just a few minutes on TikTok, you’ll come across various videos from dating gurus or experts with contradicting opinions. Overexposure to this form of content can confuse us and even trigger self-doubt.
Then, of course, there’s the idea that there’s always someone “better” to connect with. With so many options at our fingertips, many people refuse to settle down with just one person or actually take the time to get to know them.
“Before the era of the smartphone, people might have been willing to hang in there longer and give dating partners more chances,” Hal Shorey, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and professor of clinical psychology at Widener University, wrote in a Psychology Today article. “It just wasn’t that easy to meet people outside of the club scene. So, you might have had a chance to grow on someone. But now, in the current era, one slip or bad date can result in the other person casting their line back into the pond to catch another fish… It’s just too easy. This makes it all the more important to know when and how to have the conversation about dating exclusively.”
The Impact of Uncertainty in Dating
Uncertainty around exclusivity is sure to trigger anxiety among daters, and the ClarityCheck survey only supports this notion. In fact, 44% of respondents said ambiguity around exclusivity caused stress and anxiety.
Another concern is mismatched expectations. A whopping 38% of respondents said they’d previously assumed exclusivity from a partner who wasn’t actually on the same page. This lack of transparency can be damaging to relationships. Not to mention, it can also put your sexual health at risk. If you assume someone is only sleeping with you, you might not be as careful or protected when it comes to sex.
“Modern dating has created more opportunities to connect, but not necessarily more clarity,” said Ihor Herasymov, Managing Director of ClarityCheck. “What we’re seeing is that many people are investing emotionally in relationships before having direct conversations about what those relationships actually are, and that disconnect often creates confusion, anxiety, and mismatched expectations.”
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