Modern daters seem to be raising their standards in dating—as they should. However, are we perhaps taking it a bit too far, expecting perfection in the form of a loving partner?
Or, in other words: Are we expecting too much—or not enough—from our partners?
Are We Holding Our Partners to Unrealistic Standards?
I’m not here to shame anyone’s wants or needs in a relationship. We all have unique standards for a fulfilling relationship.
However, I think most of us can agree that social media shows us an often unsustainable highlight reel.
For example, I’ve seen a ton of social media content that glorifies grand gestures, expensive date nights, and weekly bouquets as if the absence of them is a moral failure. These are all beautiful perks, of course, but they’re not necessarily the hallmark of a healthy relationship.
And then we have the dating content that shames the very essence of being a human. God forbid you have a bad mental health day, say the wrong thing in the heat of the moment, or show up as, you know, a human and not an agreeable AI partner.
(Important note: This does not pertain to instances of abuse.)
Or…Are We Normalizing the Bare Minimum?
At the same time, some dating content has pointed out the many ways we settle in our relationships. Many of today’s daters don’t feel the same pressure to rush into a relationship or stay in something unfulfilling just to avoid being alone.
We might not put up with the same issues our parents did, might be more willing to call out harmful or unfair behavior from our partners, or might simply be seeking deeper connections. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
But so many of us are still impressed by the bare minimum. We think we owe someone a chance just because they’re kind, or we stay just because our partner hasn’t done anything too terrible. Perhaps, we’ve been conditioned to take what we can get in love.
Striking the Balance Between ‘Too Much’ and ‘Not Enough’
Many Gen Zers and Millennials did not have healthy examples of love in their childhood. Whether they had divorced parents who trash-talked each other or married parents who were so deep in resentment that they barely showed affection, the damage was done. They grew up knowing exactly what they wanted—and even more so, what they didn’t want.
But along the way, many of us have overcorrected. For example, if you grew up with parents who screamed at each other every other night, you might be completely averse to any conflict, fleeing at the slightest disagreement. Or, if one of your parents had an affair, you might assume you can’t trust anyone, seeking out signs of disloyalty without ever giving someone a full chance.
Sometimes, we set our standards to impossible heights, knowing no one can reach them. That way, we won’t risk getting attached enough to get hurt.
Everyone has the right to their own standards. I give my friends (and myself) this advice: If you can’t meet your own standards, they might be too out of reach. If you can meet your own standards, you have every right to expect them in return.
Of course, this is nuanced, as some people fall into more traditional roles. A woman might want a husband who provides for them so that they won’t have that same expectation for themselves. But if you feel you’re both equally giving in your own way, while allowing yourselves to be human in the process, I’d say you have a healthy balance.
Every relationship should have a basic foundation of love, trust, and respect. You can build from that together, as a team.
The post Are You Expecting Too Much From Your Partner…or Settling for Too Little? appeared first on VICE.
