Self-love is something I’ve always struggled with. As much as I’ve accepted my brain and all of its complexities, it can be severely hard on me sometimes—and I’m sure I’m not alone in that experience.
Everyone, but especially women, faces impossible beauty standards and harsh societal expectations. Making one small mistake or having a few minor flaws (as we all do!) can cause us to spiral into shame, feeling unworthy of any blessings life has to offer.
Operating from this mindspace can be detrimental to both our growth and potential. If you don’t believe you deserve better, whether in your relationships, your career, or just in general, you’re unlikely to make changes. You’ll end up settling in places that drain you simply because you feel they’re where you belong.
This Valentine’s Day, let’s challenge the narrative that we must earn our worth or strive toward value. Let’s view the day not as a “Hallmark holiday,” as some call it, but rather as a self-love portal.
I spoke with Kela Rose, host of the podcast Skinny Dipping (which you can also watch on YouTube!), about her go-to self-love practices. She provided actionable tips to help you finally learn to accept and love yourself, so you can level up this Valentine’s Day.
1. Redefine Romance
Many of us spend Valentine’s Day either spoiling a significant other or wishing we had a special someone in our lives, failing to recognize that we are our own lovers. If you can channel your romantic side toward your own self-care, you might be surprised by how many blessings you call in.
“Romance can be so other-person-centered when really it’s coming from within us,” Kela said.
Romantic love is both sensual and powerful, she pointed out. By using it to glamorize and soften our own lives, we’re sending ourselves the message that we’re worthy. And when we feel worthy, we tend to act in accordance with that belief.
“Being our own best friend is the pathway and the portal to getting what we want in life,” Kela said.
2. Meet Your Own Needs
So often, we get caught up in people-pleasing and trying to make everyone else around us happy that we neglect our own wants and needs. This is the pathway to a stagnant, uninspired life.
“Self-love is meeting your own needs, giving yourself the rest and relaxation you deserve,” Kela explained.
This Valentine’s Day, ask yourself exactly what you’re craving. Perhaps it’s some gentle movement, a solo date in nature, or maybe even a sensual new outfit that raises your confidence. Whatever the case, pour into your own cup so you can feel what it’s like to be truly loved and cared for—first and foremost, by yourself.
Not to mention, when we’re more aligned with ourselves and in our natural “flow state,” we can more easily call in our wildest desires. For example, Kela has noticed the most level-ups when she’s dancing.
“When I go to a dance class, I feel so magnetic during and afterwards. I’ve literally manifested things I’ve been wanting to manifest for months, like a new home,” she explained. “In the middle of dance class, someone messages me, and after months, it comes true. Your energy is so high when you’re in flow state, so whatever it is that puts you in flow state … is one of the greatest manifestation tactics.”
3. Get to Know Yourself
As Kela so eloquently puts it: “To know yourself is to love yourself.”
Of course, this requires honest self-reflection, compassion, and forgiveness. Rather than shaming yourself for being an imperfect human like everyone else, offer yourself grace and get curious about your insecurities, past mistakes, or any patterns you’d like to shift.
“When we try to push away the pieces of ourselves we want to avoid, that just creates more resistance in ourselves,” Kela explained. “When you’re judging yourself, when you’re attacking yourself, your amygdala—your threat center in your brain—literally sees yourself as the threat.”
Naturally, this puts us into defense mode. Only, we’re stuck defending ourselves from, well, ourselves. And so begins an internal war…
“It’s about asking yourself: How can I relieve myself of this feeling of being my own threat?” Kela said. “As you begin to know yourself deeper, you develop a lot of self-compassion in the process.”
Kela shared a great example of this in action: Think about the person you know and love the most in life. Maybe it’s your mom, your best friend, or your partner. When they do something they’re not necessarily proud of, mess up at work, skip a few weeks at the gym, or seemingly fall short in some way, you likely don’t view them as a horrible person. You don’t label them a failure or believe they’re less worthy of your love and care. Odds are, you offer them a non-judgmental, safe place to land.
Why? Because you know them, you know their character, and you know their worth. In fact, your belief in them is unwavering. It’s time to get to know yourself—and believe in yourself—in the same way—and Valentine’s Day is the perfect day to start.
“When you know your identity, even when you have those intrusive thoughts come in sometimes … you still have such a strong sense of identity through your process of curiosity,” Kela explained.
4. Act Like You Are Worthy
Even if you’re still struggling to see your worth this Valentine’s Day, spend the entire day (and hopefully the days, weeks, months, and years following) as though you are worthy of your wildest dreams.
Belief is the first, and possibly the toughest, challenge. Action is where the true level-up occurs.
“The more that you truly prove to yourself and you believe ‘I am the type of person that is X, Y, Z’ … it strengthens that neuro pathway,” said Kela. “It gets deeper and deeper and deeper. You keep turning back to that belief, and that belief becomes stronger. It becomes your default mode.”
Many people believe that manifestation is some sort of magical, delusional concept, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. There is real science behind manifestation, as it requires you to leverage neuroplasticity and begin to recognize the opportunities life presents you—and actually capitalize on them.
“When you believe that you’re the type of person to do the thing, then you are more likely to do the thing, which will lead you to actual success,” Kela said.
To help ground herself in her own identity and worth, Kela practices breathwork (which she is trained in and teaches to other women), embodied movement like dancing, and even EFT tapping, another seemingly simple yet life-changing tool.
“With EFT tapping, you are moving through the meridian points, which are energy centers in the body,” she explained. “We’re tapping on them, and we’re actually working with beliefs.”
However, she noted, you’re not just spewing nice-sounding affirmations in hopes that you’ll start to believe them. Rather, you’re reasoning with your mind.
“When we just throw affirmations at past limiting beliefs that have been ingrained in our systems for our entire childhoods, I think that we don’t see them as deep or as complicated as they are,” Kela explained. “These are intelligent beliefs we took on to protect ourselves … Even if in the future they’re not serving us, they [once] had a purpose, and [we] must work with them.”
5. Return To Your Younger Self
As the infamous poet and novelist Charles Bukowski once asked: “Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?”
In a world constantly telling you who to be and how to behave (especially as women), it’s not easy to align yourself with your purpose and truth. That’s why we must turn inward—or, as Kela recommends, return to your younger self.
“Being inspired by my younger self as the muse is huge for coming back to who I am,” she said.
Reconnecting with the untamed childhood version of yourself will help you get back in touch with your own values, dreams, intuition, and identity—the person you were before your limiting beliefs kicked in.
“You are inherently worthy,” Kela said. “Once you remind yourself, your body remembers.”
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