Reader: I read your piece about the letter writer who’s a difficult co-worker’s only “friend.” I’m in a similar situation and would love some input.
A year and a half ago, I transferred from another department to a two-person team made up of me and my supervisor. She has been with the company over a decade and knows her job and the industry very well.
We get along well. But with other co-workers, she can be abrasive — coming off as condescending while overly protective of our department, almost territorial. When co-workers are discussing stuff that falls under our umbrella, she’s quick to remind them that WE handle those things.
She also ignores direct instructions from the owner. For example, he has told her that she’s to address any issues she finds with other departments’ work to their supervisors. But she still contacts the lower-level employees directly.
Although she has more experience, co-workers often come to me with questions because my explanations are easier to understand. I’ve thought about offering to be her go-between with other departments, but she probably wouldn’t want me to face any backlash (other departments don’t always take criticism well).
She treats me better and is more willing to give me the benefit of the doubt and forgive my mistakes, which I feel makes me a target for resentment. I try to stay neutral, as I get along well with everyone, but it’s hard because she looks to me for validation.
Lately, I’ve tried to tell her when she’s making things into a bigger deal than necessary, but that’s a delicate line because I don’t want to end up on her bad side. She doesn’t have the authority to fire me, but our relationship might degrade, and she would be colder and less forgiving.
Any advice would be welcome.
Karla: I hate to break it to you, but your co-workers have kind of made you a go-between already. While nobody really enjoys outside criticism, receiving it through appropriate channels from someone you like and respect goes down much smoother.
Like the problematic co-worker in the previous column, your prickly supervisor may have understandable reasons (not excuses) for acting as she does. Maybe she ignores the owner’s directives because she’s impulsive and forgets in the moment, or she fears her feedback will be conveyed incorrectly. Then again, maybe she just enjoys haranguing underlings.
Her territoriality could be anxiety and insecurity, and her condescending tone could be obsessiveness — or she may genuinely believe everyone around her is incompetent. (Except for you, of course. Mostly.) And although she has developed patience with you in your 18 months working together, she’s somehow unable to see people outside her immediate orbit as deserving the same grace. Is that the everyday proximity bias we all harbor — or a toxic lack of empathy?
Fortunately, it’s not your job to figure that out, unless you’re trying to decide whether you’re enabling harmful behavior by continuing to work for her. She’s a supervisor and an adult, and her reputation is hers to cultivate. In the meantime, you seem to have struck a good balance in how you’re responding.
Outside your team, you can continue to be a friendly resource for people who seek you out for help, focusing on getting them answers. Some might resent you for being in your boss’s good graces, but the smart ones won’t begrudge you that as long as you’re buffering them from her.
Within the team, you can continue to nonjudgmentally express the truth when she seeks you out for validation. “Didn’t the owner say we should pass corrections along to the manager? I’m happy to do that for you if you want.” Or: “I don’t think they’re trying to step on our turf. They know we handle those issues.”
You can’t guarantee she won’t get mad. But maybe, like the beleaguered workers from other departments, she’ll take redirection better from someone she trusts and respects. On the other hand, if she takes offense at your honesty and makes work unbearable on her team, I’m betting some of those smart folks who appreciate your affability would welcome you to theirs.
Speaking of that previous letter, the worker who was struggling to manage a difficult colleague’s interactions with outsiders has also reached a good balance.
“He and I got off to a bit of a rocky start in the beginning because of his ‘quirks,’ but I now consider him a friend and know that he trusts me,” the reader said in an email update. Because of that, and because he’s good at his work, the reader said, “I feel protective of him.”
That reader had been feeling “especially anxious” after a meeting with management and clients during which “this colleague’s quirks were on full display.” The difficult colleague had also been formally reprimanded once in the past by a particularly harsh and uncompromising manager, and the reader was worried it could happen again. But after reading the column and other readers’ comments, the letter writer has made a conscious effort to be less invested in managing the quirky co-worker’s interactions — while still finding a way to set him up for success.
For example, the reader has worked with other leaders to implement some of the workplace strategies suggested in “An Employer’s Guide to Managing Professionals on the Autism Spectrum” by Marcia Scheiner. These include keeping instructions clear and simple and reducing the number of overlapping assignments to avoid overwhelming the colleague with detail and distraction.
“The takeaway for me is that, while I can certainly advocate for him when appropriate, ultimately his behavior is his responsibility,” the reader concluded.
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