My 91-year-old father lives alone in an assisted living facility in a different state. His best friend of 60 years, a close family friend, lives nearby and often helps him. When my dad visited me last year, for instance, his friend drove him to the airport. On the day of his return flight, my father couldn’t remember whether he had given the flight details to his friend. (He shows signs of dementia.) So, I called his friend to ask, and he tore into me. He had plans that day and said it was “sheer stupidity” that no one had told him about the flight earlier. Then he hung up on me. I wrote to apologize: My father is not his responsibility. And I asked him to apologize to me for his rudeness on the phone. He didn’t. He is now quite ill. Should I attend his funeral even though we are not speaking?
DAUGHTER
Anyone who has ever been a caregiver knows how grueling the job can be and how frequently things threaten to go off the rails. I don’t blame you for the mix-up over the return flight. (It could happen to anyone.) But I urge you to rethink your position on your dad’s friend. Call him on the phone now. Tell him what an incredible friend he has been to your father and how helpful he has been to you. Don’t wait for his funeral to pay your respects.
I wouldn’t even mention the airline contretemps. It hardly rates in a friendship of 60 years. Of course, he shouldn’t have berated you! But consider how alarming the incident may have been to him: His best friend, who shows signs of dementia, was to be dropped off at an airport that day with no plan for his safe return home. So, he overreacted.
Be the bigger person here: This man has been your ally — with one exception. I have no doubt that he upset you. But an apology that asks for an apology in return is weak tea. My advice is to forget that one bad moment and to focus on the love and kindness that have flowed between him and your family for years.
A Halloween Party With a Monstrous Host?
My husband and I have a close friend who went through a bitter divorce recently. He is now a single father to a tween daughter and in a new relationship with a woman he met during his divorce. His new girlfriend hosted a Halloween party and included his daughter, who, in turn, invited our daughter. (The girls are close. We were a second home to her during the divorce.) So, imagine my shock when I learned that my husband and I were not invited! I don’t know his girlfriend well, but I think they should have invited us to drop by at least. Was this a slap in the face?
FRIEND
Frankly, no. I understand your hurt feelings, but let’s reframe this situation. Your friend’s new girlfriend gave a party and probably invited your friend’s daughter as an act of inclusion. The daughter was even allowed to bring a guest. But your friend — the new boyfriend — had no right to invite his own guests to his girlfriend’s party. He was one invitee of many — not the host. Cut him some slack! It’s a new relationship.
Not a Picky Eater, but a Methodical One
Since I was a child, I have liked to eat the different foods on my plate one at a time: steak first, for example, then mashed potatoes and finally, tasty green beans. My mother often told me this was rude — that I should take a bite of each food and work around the plate. But I never stopped eating the way I liked. I also prefer that my foods not touch one another on the plate. Are these preferences rude? Her comments from long ago still sting.
DINER
There is nothing rude about idiosyncratic behavior. By the sound of it, you simply prefer to keep separate foods siloed on your plate and in your gullet. Who is anyone to judge? Some people with ritualistic mealtime practices are found to have a mild form of obsessive-compulsive disorder, but I am not remotely qualified to diagnose you. If these preferences cause you distress — when different foods happen to touch, for instance — you could speak to a therapist about it. Otherwise, eat in peace!
Bending Low to Go Above and Beyond
I am a dog owner in New York City, and I am conscientious about scooping my dog’s poop on the street and tossing the sealed bag into an appropriate receptacle. Often, when I bend down, though, I see another pile of dog poop that has been ignored. I could easily scoop it up, but I don’t. I find it disgusting — though I know it’s not unlike my own dog’s poop. Should I pick it up?
DOG DAD
As dog owners, we have a nonnegotiable responsibility to clean up after our dogs. We are not responsible, though, for cleaning up after every dog. But I will say that — on the facts presented — when I am already squatting down and can pick up a stray pile of poop without inconvenience, I often do it. And the reason: to foster a more congenial attitude toward dogs and their owners, generally. No pressure, but think about it.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
The post My Father’s Dying Friend and I Aren’t Speaking. Should I Go to His Funeral? appeared first on New York Times.
