We couldn’t afford after school childcare in New York City. My husband and I live on opposite coasts to make it work.

• My husband and I decided to move from the Bay Area to New York City.
• We realized we were going to need a babysitter because of our son’s school schedule and our work.
• I decided to stay in the Bay Area and my husband flies back to see us.

When my husband and I decided to move our family from the Bay Area back to New York City, we couldn’t imagine a better setup for what was supposed to be our next chapter. We’re a family of three by choice, and we both love what we do: I am a writer and college writing professor, and my husband is a computational designer.

In 2020, we moved to the Bay Area for a work opportunity for my husband. Last fall, nearing his project’s completion, he found an amazing job back in New York. Soon after, I had one too. Our new work schedules had built-in flexibility which made the idea of raising an elementary school-aged kid in New York City feasible, at least it seemed.

We tried to work around our son’s school hours

My husband would work just 10 minutes from our son’s elementary school which meant he could do morning drop offs and a weekly pickup. I requested early morning classes which allowed me to do pickups two afternoons a week, and I interviewed a part-time babysitter who could stay late once a week so we sneak in a regular date night. My husband and I agreed to split childcare on school holidays and sick days.

We knew the school year would be stressful, but we felt we could make it work. Opting for convenience, we agreed to max out our housing budget after finding an apartment located a short walk from our son’s school and his job. I linked the New York City school calendar to our Google calendars and arranged my work schedule around it.

But the morning we received our lease, my husband learned that the facility he was to be based out of wouldn’t be in operation by the time we arrived. He would need to commute north of the city through the end of the year while also setting up the facility in the city. With his commute now 90-minutes each way, at least for a while, his schedule was no longer flexible.

We couldn’t afford more babysitting hours

School schedules rarely align with work schedules. Between minimum days, winter breaks, and holidays that working caregivers don’t usually have off, finding coverage during the school year can be stressful, especially when a challenge at work arises.

After maxing out our housing budget we couldn’t afford more hours for our babysitter or another aftercare option. Sick days also posed a challenge. With his commute temporarily altered, my husband couldn’t easily work from home for a few hours while I taught my classes and then head into work once I got home. Doing any classroom volunteering and transporting our son to any extracurriculars would also fall to me for at least several months.

We parent from opposite coasts

The more we talked about the challenges we were aware of, the less confident we felt that we could both do a good job at work and parent well at home much less show up for one another as a couple. Ultimately, we decided that it was best for our family to work on opposite coasts for the year.

We backed out of the lease and my husband found a cheaper housing arrangement. Although solo-parenting isn’t stress-free, my teaching schedule in the Bay Area aligns better with our son’s school schedule. Now, we’re doing our best to parent together while apart.

My husband arranged to work a semi-hybrid schedule. He flies back to the Bay Area every month and works from home for a few days. The time difference allows him to handle school pickup and bedtime. While at home he does the grocery shopping, laundry, and dishes. He also cooks and freezes several of our family’s favorite meals in bulk, and he gets our son involved in the process. Having pre-cooked meals makes solo-parenting while working manageable.

We find ways to stay connected

While he’s away, we read one book as a family to stay connected. I read the book to our son at bedtime, and if we don’t finish the story by the time my husband is home, they finish the book together.

We also hold a family FaceTime every night around dinner. During this sacred call we share our news of the day. Occasionally my husband is standing outside a work event, and I like to think that he is showing his family life to his colleagues while he shows up on the screen for us. Every Sunday afternoon, he and I also catch up while our son watches a kid-friendly movie.

Although our situation is less than ideal, we have decided that it is temporary. Even so, there are times when I wonder if we made the right choice. Then I open my Google calendar to see who has signed up to meet me in my office hours, and I notice that back in New York schools are closed for the day.

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