Narcissists are known for their sense of entitlement, self-centeredness, superiority complex, and condescending attitude toward others. Talking to them can be frustrating and draining, and what might seem like a straightforward conversation can quickly escalate into a fight you didn’t see coming. By learning some communication traits typical of people with narcissistic personality disorder, you’ll be better able to protect your own mental health during these interactions.
“The one great thing about narcissists is they’re highly predictable,” says Carrie Ann Cleveland, a marriage and family therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse. “Once you unveil and look underneath the mask, you can easily anticipate what they’re going to say and what’s going to trigger them.”
That knowledge allows you to prepare for conversations and remain neutral during challenging interactions. “All these types of communication are designed to trigger a reaction in you,” Cleveland says, and staying calm is one of the best ways to handle them. “You never want to justify, argue, defend, or explain with a narcissist, because then you just get caught in this cycle.”
With that in mind, we asked experts exactly what to expect when you’re talking to a narcissist.
A must-know acronym
When people with narcissistic personality disorder feel like they’re being challenged, they often resort to a manipulation tactic called DARVO, which stands for deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender. “It’s the No. 1 red flag you need to look out for when you’re talking to a narcissist,” says David Hawkins, a clinical psychologist and author of books including The Vulnerable Narcissist and So You’ve Been Called a Narcissist, Now What?
These are the three stages:
Deny
The first step of the DARVO process is denial. People with narcissism tend to “vigorously defend themselves against any allegations or criticisms,” Hawkins says. “They deny any wrongdoing, and they dismiss the accusations as false.” They might tell you that you’re being ridiculous, for example, or blowing things out of proportion. They’ll flat-out deny behavior and events you know happened—rewriting history by insisting that you’re remembering things wrong.
Attack
People with narcissism often transition into the attack phase next, pummeling the character and credibility of their loved one. It’s not uncommon to hear language like this, Cleveland says: “You’re crazy. You’re obsessed. You’re always starting fights.” The narcissist might bring up past mistakes in an attempt to discredit the person calling out their behavior, or pounce on known insecurities.
Reverse victim and offender
The last step of the DARVO response pattern involves the reversal of roles: the narcissist positions themselves as the victim. In an effort to gain sympathy and divert attention away from their own behavior, they claim that they’re the ones being treated unfairly. For example, Cleveland says, they might declare: “I can’t believe you’re treating me this way after everything I’ve done for you.”
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“They portray themselves as the one being wronged, so you look like the aggressor,” she says. “You’re jumping all over the place trying to defend yourself from these false accusations,” which can distract you from calling out whatever behavior led to the confrontation in the first place.
Other common tactics
When mental-health experts work with friends and family members of narcissists, they teach them how to identify a variety of manipulation tactics. Here’s what to know about some of the ones encountered most often:
Minimization
This maneuver is all about a narcissist’s need to diminish the harm they’re causing. “It’s usually one of the first [tactics] to show up,” Cleveland says. “They frame abusive or hurtful words and behaviors as ‘no big deal’ by downplaying your feelings.” You’ll probably hear statements like this: “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re exaggerating again,” “You’re reading too much into it,” or “You’re too emotional.” The goal is to trivialize your emotions so you start doubting yourself, she says.
Minimizing an issue is a way “to subtly train others to believe it’s not as significant as you think it is,” Cleveland says. Plus, if something is “no big deal,” the narcissist doesn’t have to apologize for it or change their behavior.
Deflection
If a narcissist feels like they’re being criticized, they often avoid accountability by changing the subject—shifting the blame onto you for something that has nothing to do with the issue you broached. Say your colleague made a mistake in an important report, for example. When you try to address it, they might respond: “Well, last week you didn’t send that email on time.”
Read More: How to Break 8 Toxic Communication Habits
“They have so much shame about hiding anything ordinary about themselves—even flaws that we all have—that any sort of confrontation creates anxiety and fear,” says J.J. Kelly, a clinical psychologist and author of Holy Sh*t, I’m Dealing with a Narcissist! “They don’t even believe what’s spewing from their mouths—they just have to get [the criticism] off them,” so they turn it onto you, even though their words might sound and feel out of place.
Feigned confusion
Narcissists sometimes pretend not to understand what you’re saying so the conversation goes nowhere, Cleveland says. They deliberately act like they’re confused, forgetful, or incapable of understanding your point. “Narcissists use feigned confusion to evade responsibility,” she says.
For example, they might ask you to explain things over and over, demand excessive proof or documentation, answer direct questions vaguely, and say things like “I’ll consider it”—and then never get back to you. Other common phrases: “I don’t remember agreeing to that,” “I don’t get what you’re saying”, and “I didn’t know you needed that. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“It’s an effective tool because it stalls progress,” Cleveland says, and you might get tired and annoyed and give up. “It’s meant to frustrate and destabilize you emotionally so you lose composure.”
A charm offensive
Some narcissists win people over with intense flattery and friendly behavior. “If someone is too far in the nice camp, it can be a red flag that it’s performative,” Kelly says. In part, they behave like that because they can’t tolerate the idea that people don’t like them, she adds. But that charming nature can also be a tool used to exert control: “It makes you want to be generous to them” and excuse any bad behavior, at least at first, she says.
Imagine you’re dating a charming narcissist who complains about you to a mutual friend. Because your partner is able to come across so well, people might be inclined to believe that they’re not at fault. “They get people on their side through their charm offensive,” Kelly says. “That way, when someone meets them with reality and accountability, they’ve got this team behind them.”
Projection
Projection is a psychological defense mechanism that narcissists sometimes use to accuse you of the very thoughts, feelings, and behaviors they’re guilty of, like lying, cheating, or behaving in a controlling way. For example, if they’re having an affair, they might accuse you of being unfaithful; if they lie, they’ll insist that you’re the one who’s a liar. By doing so, “they deflect suspicion away from themselves,” Cleveland says. “Plus, they muddy the waters and put you on the defensive.”
Sarcasm disguised as humor
That dig at your expense was just a joke, right? Not always. Cleveland says narcissists often disguise sarcasm as humor, slipping in cutting remarks about your intelligence, competence, or appearance but framing them as playful. Think of a public declaration like this: “Wow! It takes a lot of confidence to pull off an outfit like that!” Or: “Oh, don’t strain yourself—you might actually have to work.” When you call them on it? Come on, they were just teasing and didn’t mean anything by it.
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“It’s a way to attack, belittle, or demean you while shielding themselves from accountability by reframing their words as harmless humor,” Cleveland says. Over time, these “jokes” will chip away at your self-confidence, she says, while keeping the narcissist in the dominant role.
How to respond
Once you recognize these tactics and patterns, you’ll be better able to handle them without getting offended or upset, Cleveland says. The best overall response to each of these toxic communication patterns is the same: stay calm, cool, and neutral. The key is refusing to engage in circular or baiting conversations, instead setting boundaries and exiting nonproductive conversations. She suggests employing close-ended responses: “I understand that’s your perspective. I see it differently.”
Kelly touts the power of radical acceptance, and coming to terms with the fact that, in the course of your relationship with a narcissist, you’ll likely be misperceived when they try to present you as the guilty party. “It’s perfectly natural to want to clarify when you’re being misrepresented,” she says. “But you can honor yourself, act according to your values, and extract yourself by not explaining or defending yourself. You know who you are.”
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The post Here’s How to Know You’re Talking to a Narcissist appeared first on TIME.
