I’m an older mom of 4. As I think about their future, I wish my kids were closer to our extended family.

• I had my first child at 31, and had three more over the next 10 years.
• As an older parent, I wish we were closer to our extended family.
• I want my kids to have memories from childhood, as well as strong bonds for the future.

I always knew I wanted a big family, but I got a late start. My first child was born when I was 31 and my husband was 33. It was the right time for us, but many people said I was too old to have more children unless I had them quickly. Nevertheless, I went on to have three more over a period of nearly 10 years. My youngest was born shortly before I turned 40, after what doctors termed a “geriatric pregnancy” due to my “advanced maternal age.”

When my kids were younger, I laughed off concerns about how old I would be when my children graduated from high school or whether I would be around to see them get married. Now that my kids are growing and I feel my own age more acutely, I worry about not being around for them as they wind their way through becoming adults. Even worse, I worry that they won’t have other family around them either.

I wish my kids were closer to our extended family

Because I am acutely aware that my children may become orphans when they are still young adults, I deeply wish that they had a closer relationship with their extended family. I would like them to have strong ties to family when I am gone, ties to family who will love and support them as I would if I could live forever.

I have a big, wonderful family filled with cousins, aunts, and uncles. It’s the kind of family where no one distinguishes between a first cousin and a fifth, in-laws or blood relatives, because family is family. There is always an event or a holiday to celebrate together, at least for those who live nearby.

Yet, cultivating a relationship between my children and their extended family has been much harder than I expected. We live several hours away from our closest relatives, and my family lives on the opposite coast, which is even farther away. Distance, cost, lack of accommodations for my oldest daughter’s disabilities, sports, and hectic work schedules make it difficult to visit family as often as I would like.

Now, my children are getting older; three are already teenagers. Although I promised myself I would do what it takes for them to see family more often, I realize it is already too late to create lasting relationships stretching back to childhood. They can no longer develop the bond that comes along with growing up with family members as a constant presence in their lives.

We are part of a strong community, but I feel family would be more reliable

Although my children are a part of a strong community full of friends and neighbors who care for them, it’s not the same as having their family around them. Having a neighbor they can call in an emergency or a friend to lean on when things get rough isn’t a substitute for family who will drop everything to be there when needed, who will share in every one of life’s joys and sorrows.

I am not naive. I have seen many people come and go from my village; some have moved away, while others have drifted apart. Although I love the concept of “chosen family,” I’m not sure it’s the same bond that comes with blood and shared family history.

As well-meaning as those in my children’s orbit may be, I don’t know if they’ll travel to be with them if they need help with a newborn or fall ill with a serious malady. I hope that, eventually, my children will create their own communities.

I want them to have a chosen family wherever they live, especially if I cannot be there for them when they launch and start their own lives. Even so, I still worry it won’t be the same as having strong family ties I once dreamed of for them, and I am worried about what their futures look like without family to lean on — especially when their parents are no longer around.

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