I have a great village, but it’s not a substitute for family

• I didn’t realize how true the saying, “It takes a village,” was until I had kids.
• We don’t live near family, but I spent time intentionally building my village.
• While I have plenty of friends and people who come through for me, it’s not the same as family.

Almost as soon as I became pregnant with my first child, I started hearing a familiar refrain. “It takes a village,” co-workers and friends told me repeatedly. I had no idea what raising a child entailed, so I smiled and nodded in response, not realizing how much their words would ring true years later.

At the same time, my parents warned me that having children without family nearby would be difficult, that there was no substitute for family. Yet, my husband and I were confident we could raise our children in Washington, DC, where we had settled, even though we didn’t have family nearby. And, after all, we would have a village if we needed help, I reasoned.

I started building my village early on

Without meaning to, I started building my village before my daughter was born. Another expectant mom in my birth class invited me to join a group of pregnant women with similar due dates. Many moms in the group also lived far from their families, and we vowed to become each other’s support systems. We would cook each other meals after we each gave birth in turn and exchange babysitting once our babies were a little older. Friends without children vowed to be fun aunties who could step in to help.

After I had my daughter, the village came through. After birth, my daughter needed to stay in the NICU. Friends brought me food, support, and love. When my daughter was finally allowed to come home, we had a never-ending stream of visitors that continued for weeks. Friends held my baby so I could shower or drink a cup of tea while it was still hot. Later, they would keep me company on one of my many walks to her follow-up doctor’s appointments.

The village works, I told myself. We would be OK, even without family nearby.

My village got bigger as my children grew

I went on to have three more children, and my village grew. A group of moms I met at the playground formed a babysitting co-op. We cared for each other’s children as if they were our own, on a rotating schedule, for a few hours each week.

Once my children started elementary school, my circle expanded. Those of us who lived far from our families became each other’s emergency contacts. We pledged to drop anything for each other, and we meant it. Once, when I was sick for a few weeks, friends rushed over with food. They took my children for endless walks in the park so I could rest and recover.

I have a long list of people I can text to pick up my youngest child from school if I am running late or need backup for after-school care. There are at least a dozen friends I could call in the middle of the night if I needed help. Friends did not hesitate to offer to check on my husband when he was recovering from an injury, and I needed to go out of town for work.

I am lucky to have such a big village, but I still wish I had family nearby.

Even the best village isn’t the same as family

My village is solid and expansive. However, even the best village doesn’t have the strength of family. Some friends I once considered ride-or-die have faded from my life in a way family never would. Some moved away, and others I stopped seeing as much when our children stopped going to the same school. With others, we simply drifted apart in the natural ebb and flow of life. My village is not a constant presence in the same way that family would be.

Moreover, although my friends don’t keep score, I still hesitate to ask for favors in a way that I wouldn’t with family. I’m careful not to ask for too much help, too often. Yet, if I had family nearby, I would not hesitate to ask for more support. In many cases, family would offer to help without my saying a word.

There are things I would never ask of my village, either. For example, absent a dire emergency, asking friends to take on the heavy lift of staying with my kids overnight is something I would only ask of family.

Sometimes, I think about how nice it would have been to raise my kids near family, knowing we were surrounded by people who loved them almost as much as I do and would always be a part of their lives. People who would always be willing to help. My people. Although my village is fantastic, even though they often feel like family, it’s not the same and never will be.

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