Hugs, kisses, and a nice handhold are simple, wordless ways people say, “I love you.” But some people hate that s**t. They feel like being touched is an attack, even when it’s a gentle caress from a trusted partner.
A new study in Current Psychology shows that our comfort with physical affection is wired into our personalities and may even be rooted in our darker instincts.
Psychologists at Binghamton University and other institutions surveyed 512 college students in relationships to find out how personality and attachment affect intimacy. People with avoidant attachment styles—those who keep emotional distance to protect their independence—were far more likely to recoil from affectionate touch.
Even when they cared about their partners, affection could feel too vulnerable for their liking.
For Some, Even A Loving Touch From A Partner Is Intolerable
Then there’s the “dark triad” of personality traits: Machiavellianism (manipulative), psychopathy (impulsive, low empathy), and narcissism (self-absorbed). The more someone scored on these traits, the more likely they were to avoid touch.
Some even use it as a form of control. That’s called coercive touch, when someone harnesses the power of physical affection as a weapon to either dominate or manipulate, rather than to form a deeper empathetic connection. It’s using a hug to assert power or withholding even so much as a touch as a form of punishment.
Gender plays a role. In women, attachment insecurity leads to touch aversion and coercive touch through those “dark triad” traits. In men, the link was more direct. Avoidant attachment predicted touch aversion, while anxious attachment, characterized by fear of rejection, led to using touch coercively to hold on to something they felt was slipping away.
If you’re trying to snuggle with your partner, and they keep inchworming away from you, it’s not necessarily that the spark is gone; it’s just that a touch or a snuggle never ignited their spark. They might interpret closeness as a form of danger, so they maintain distance as emotional armor.
Physical affection isn’t a universal language. Each person has their own twists and quirks. Deep, long-term, and meaningful relationships are all about learning the ins and outs of your partner’s emotional cues and preferences.
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