I was at a party not long ago and met a very pleasant man who would not stop talking about his basement renovation. For about an hour, he told me about every step in excruciating detail: the sheet rocking, the wiring, the window replacements.
At one point, I caught a friend’s gaze and delivered what I call an eye-text: “Please rescue me. I’m begging you.”
My friend, who was in a more festive area of the party with dancing and mini crab cakes, sent back a sheepish look of apology.
Finally, when the renovator took what seemed to be his first breath, I excused myself to get a drink.
Most of us are familiar with that itchy, restless feeling whenever we’re mired in a one-way conversation. It happens in social settings and in the workplace: the co-worker who hijacks a meeting, the friend who delivers a sermon at dinner, a date that turns into a one-person show.
I asked experts for ways to (politely) take back the conversation.
Use the person’s name.
Grab the attention of the person in the midst of a monologue by using their name, said Jefferson Fisher, the author of “The Next Conversation.”
Say the person’s first name directly, Fisher said. Using someone’s name “is like a bell to their ears, and grabs their attention,” he said. They’ll usually pause, giving you a “doorway to speak,” he added.
If it doesn’t work the first time, repeat it again slowly, but avoid “putting your hand up like ‘talk to the hand,’” Fisher said, which can be seen as a threat.
Say that you’re interrupting.
When you’re ready to break in, use the word “interrupt” — as in, “I know I’m interrupting,” Fisher said. Why? “People don’t get defensive when you’re acknowledging the act,” he said. “They can’t accuse you of interrupting, because you already owned it.”
Your tone should be warm, firm and calm, Fisher said. “It signals you’re adding yourself to the floor without attacking.”
If the monologuist tries to talk over you, continue speaking in a steady, neutral tone, said Nikki Graves, an associate professor of management communication at Emory University’s Goizueta Business School. Even if you feel awkward, she explained, don’t stop until the person backs down.
Try the phrase “I need.”
You can also get the person’s attention by beginning with “I need,” Fisher said. For example, he said, you might say: “I need to clarify this.” “I need to add to that.” “I need to stop you there.”
This lets you take more control of the conversation without being adversarial, Fisher added.
If you’re open to trying something a little more casual, William Hanson, an etiquette coach in Britain and the author of “Just Good Manners,” recommends politely saying, “‘Oh, hang on, I need to respond to that before it disappears from my brain.’”
In a group setting, summarize and pass.
If a colleague is monopolizing a meeting, summarize what the person said — which indicates that you’ve heard them — and then pass to someone else to chime in, Fisher said: “For example, ‘I hear the feedback on that. Laura, I’d like to hear your take on the issue.’”
Dr. Graves added that you can also be direct, and say: “‘Thank you for your contributions. We only have a limited amount of time. I would love to hear from some other people.’”
If you’re in a social setting where someone is dominating the conversation, you can gently steer the chat, Hanson said: Turn to another person in the group, make eye contact and ask their opinion about the topic at hand.
If all else fails, leave the lecture.
When a person who is holding forth doesn’t express any curiosity about you — like, “if you’re on a date and they’re talking at you” — then it’s OK to wrap it up, said Todd Baratz, a therapist and author of “How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind.”
“You don’t have to spend all this time wondering, ‘Why are they doing that?’” Baratz said. Instead, it can be more helpful and empowering to focus on your own reaction. And if your conclusion is “I don’t like someone who does this,” then feel free to cut things short, he said.
It’s fine to get creative and make up an excuse, Baratz said, but “I’ve got to go” works, too.
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Let’s keep the conversation going. Follow Well on Instagram, or write to us at [email protected]. And check out last week’s newsletter about “anticipatory grief.”
Jancee Dunn, who writes the weekly Well newsletter for The Times, has covered health and science for more than 20 years.
The post What to Do When a Person Won’t. Stop. Talking. appeared first on New York Times.
