I am a mother to a terrific son and a grandmother to two darling little girls. They get together more often with my daughter-in-law’s family than with me, which makes sense: They live close by, and I live an hour and a half away. Still, I make the effort to drive to see the girls and invite my son to bring them to visit me. The issue: My daughter-in-law frequently posts pictures of her family gatherings on Instagram. But she never includes a picture of me — even when I’m at the gathering. It hurts! I don’t want to burden my son with this. And I know that my daughter-in-law can use her Instagram as she chooses. But do you think I should talk to her about feeling left out?
MOTHER-IN-LAW
Hurt feelings are tricky. They can spring up even under benign circumstances. It’s natural, as you observe, for your daughter-in-law to see her family more often than you if they live close by. And I can’t speak for everyone, but I feel closer to my family than I do to my in-laws, and that’s reflected in my social media, too. Still, I sympathize with your feeling of exclusion: I know it hurts.
But I wouldn’t talk to your daughter-in-law about her Instagram story. It’s her account, after all. (And would you really feel better if she posted a couple of pictures to placate you?) But I do think you can work on improving your relationship with her. That’s probably the real issue here; Instagram is just a symptom. Instead of centering activities on your son and granddaughters — which seems to be the case now — work double time to get your daughter-in-law involved.
Now, I’m no fool. I know this may be an uphill struggle. And I am not blaming you: The frequent tension between mothers and daughters-in-law is world famous for a reason. But what have you got to lose? Invite her to lunch. Offer to babysit. Spring for a night out for her and your son, if you can afford it. If you want to be closer, take the lead: Make specific invitations. (She’s swamped with two kids. Don’t expect her to do the planning.) You may grow closer over time. But that would be the reward here, not seeing pictures of yourself on Instagram — though that could happen, too.
Sorry, Husband Is Not on the Menu
My husband and I are friends with a couple who live in our neighborhood. We’ve enjoyed occasional dinners out with them over the last five years, but it has become obvious to me that the wife cannot take her eyes off my husband. All her comments are directed to him, and she never looks at anyone else. Should I bring this up with her privately? My husband feels flattered, but it makes our evenings less enjoyable for me. I don’t want to jeopardize our relationship, though.
WIFE
I am struggling to understand why you would continue to book dinners with a person who seems to have had a full-blown crush on your husband for five years. (That is not a fleeting period!) Speaking to the wife privately will not make her fixation go away; it will only encourage her to disguise it. And you don’t even mention her husband. So, where’s the fun in these evenings? I suggest taking a look at your contact list and finding a less problematic couple to invite to dinner.
Changing the Locks (as a Gesture of Love)
Seventeen years ago, I gave my wife’s sister and her husband a key to our apartment in Manhattan. I invited them to use it when they wanted. (My wife and I resided in the Southwest then.) They never used the apartment, and for the last 10 years, my wife and I have lived in it full time. I doubt they will ever visit now, given their advanced age and physical limitations. So, I would like to ask for the key back. I don’t like the idea of it lying around. But my wife wants me to drop the subject: She thinks that they may have forgotten about the key or where it is, and that the request may be hurtful. Advice?
APARTMENT DWELLER
I understand your concerns about your apartment key lying around — though after 17 years of letting it do just that, it doesn’t seem as if you’re tremendously worried about it. I also understand your wife’s reluctance to hurt or embarrass her sister. And since that relationship is probably very important to her, I would be inclined to defer to your wife and call in a locksmith to change the lock, instead. Win-win!
Simon Cowell, You Are Not
I have a colleague who posts recordings of himself singing karaoke on social media. He mixes them in with professional posts. He doesn’t present them as amusing — he seems to think that people genuinely want to hear him sing. But he’s terrible! I feel as if a real friend would tell him to stop. What should I do?
COLLEAGUE
Leave him alone! Life is hard. If your co-worker takes pleasure in posting his karaoke recordings, let him. Bad singing is not a crime. He is not forcing you to listen or asking for your opinion. We don’t have to judge everything that crosses our paths.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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