FAO: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Dear Occupant,
Let me begin this letter with an apology. Since you moved in next door nine months ago, I have been meaning to stop by with a plate of my famous oatmeal raisin cookies in order to introduce myself. I’m sorry I haven’t done so, and I’m doubly sorry that we’re meeting bow under difficult circumstances. Nevertheless, I’m obligated to write to you now because you may be President of the United States, but I am President of the local Homeowner’s Association. And I think we both know which title, well, trumps the other.
A couple of days ago, I awoke to the sound of heavy machinery. I’d been out the day before attending my local No Kings march—no offense—and was trying to get a little extra shuteye before starting my work week began. Imagine my surprise when I looked out the window to investigate the source of the sound and discovered a couple of cranes demolishing a large section of your rental!
I’m sure you know where this is going.
When you moved in, you were supposed to receive a copy of the HOA handbook. (We call it our Constitution—cute, right?) I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you didn’t receive one, because I cannot imagine any other reason why you thought it would be ok to partially destroy a historic house you do not even own.
You will see that I enclosed a copy of the handbook with this letter. Please refer to Article IV, section 3, which reads, “Congress shall have Power to dispose of and make all needful Rules and Regulations respecting the Territory or other Property belonging to the United States.”
The building you just ripped apart? It doesn’t belong to you. It belongs to the people of the United States. As such, I regret to inform you that you are in severe violation of the HOA.
To be fair, it’s not entirely your fault. Well, actually it is but I know we all love to blame the HOA. Or immigrants. And really, we should have spoken up more forcefully when you decided to rip up your garden and cover it with concrete. Everybody loved that garden. We decided not to make a big deal out of it because you’d just moved back in and were trying to be good neighbors, but we can now see that was a mistake.
Quick question: did the landlord conduct a proper credit check before approving your lease?
Yes, other occupants have made renovations over the years, but always by going through the appropriate channels—we’re generally very accommodating. We even let a previous tenant put in a bowling alley!
Obviously, though, a 90,000 sq. ft. ballroom replacing an entire, historic wing of your property is an order of magnitude greater than a couple of lanes in the basement. All the more reason why we should have had more of a conversation before you took it upon yourself to tear things down. Even temporarily, that is, unless you were planning on extending your lease, which would also be a violation of the rules. (Please refer to the handbook’s 22nd Amendment.)
Moreover, the homeowner’s association would have very much liked the opportunity to weigh in on whether your rental property really needs an outsized vanity project which impacts the curb appeal of our entire street (and the broader reputation of our city) as well as presenting obvious conflicts of interest between you and all the corporate donors who are surely going expect political largesse in exchange for the generous ‘donations’ solicited for said project. Why not just put on a stoop sale instead?
Between you and me, I get it. Rules can be so annoying. I know the Supreme Court said you can do whatever you want, and when it’s simply a matter of murdering civilians in international waters, they may have a point? But when it comes to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, I’m afraid you don’t get the final say.
Sure, “it’s easier to apologize than to ask permission,” but that’s exactly the sort of attitude that got you twice impeached the last time you lived next door. Also, you never apologize for anything. Which is exactly why I attended the aforementioned “No Kings” march in the first place! (Again, no offense.)
Therefore, by the powers invested in me—and yes, all the votes were counted—by the good people of this homeowner’s association, I hereby order you to cease and desist all demolition and construction work on the rental property known as “The White House” until such time as the National Capitol Planning Commission, Committee for Preservation of the White House, Congress and yes, your friendly HOA board all approve the changes you seek.
I apologize for being the bearer of bad news. But the fact remains: We have rules for a reason. We don’t let people in this neighborhood do whatever they want whenever they want because if we did that, we’d have total chaos. I mean, we might even end up with roving gangs of armed marauders snatching people up off the street! Worse still, novelty costumes.
Obviously, I’m exaggerating to make a point. Such a thing could never happen in the United States. But I’m doing so to illustrate that when people disregard the rules—such as the rule that doesn’t allow renters to tear down their house to erect a gold-gilded authoritarian fantasia without permission—we risk ruining the entire character of the neighborhood. It used to be a pretty good neighborhood, and I think we can make it great again, just as soon as you play by the rules.
Or pack up your sh-t and get the hell out.
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