You know the feeling. You’re right there, but something just feels…off. The sex is fine, yet your gut says their head’s in another room. Sex consultant Julia Stein says that instinct is more common than people think.
Stein, a Berlin-based intimacy expert with Drachen Toys, says fantasies are normal and even healthy. “Everyone’s imagination shows up in the bedroom sometimes,” she explains. “It becomes a concern when fantasy replaces connection instead of enhancing it.”
Here are six signs your partner’s attention may be slipping elsewhere, and what you can do about it.
6 Signs Your Partner Is Fantasizing About Someone Else in Bed, According to a Sex Expert
1. They Avoid Eye Contact or Keep Their Eyes Closed
Eye contact is the simplest form of intimacy, which makes it unsettling when it disappears. If your partner looks away or seems far off, it might mean their mind’s gone somewhere else.
2. They Feel Emotionally Absent
When your partner moves like they’re on autopilot instead of actually with you, it’s pretty hard not to notice. “There’s a difference between feeling comfortable and feeling disconnected,” Stein says. “That drop in energy often means their focus is somewhere else.”
3. They Make Out-of-Character Requests
Every couple hits a phase where new ideas show up in the bedroom. Sometimes they’re fun experiments, sometimes they feel oddly specific, no kink shaming here. When something appears out of nowhere and doesn’t match your usual dynamic, Stein says it can point to a fantasy your partner’s been sitting on for a while.
4. Their Energy Has Shifted
Every couple finds their groove, which is why when the rhythm feels “off”…you can tell. If things start to feel like a performance instead of a moment, Stein says that energy might be feeding a fantasy more than intimacy.
5. They Repeat New Moves or Phrases
Sometimes it’s the repetition that gives it away. The same lines, the same rhythm, the same new habits appearing like clockwork. Stein says that kind of consistency usually comes from a private fantasy running in their brain.
6. They Seem Distracted or Rushed
You can usually tell when someone’s counting the minutes instead of enjoying them. When your partner seems rushed or detached, it’s often a sign their thoughts have drifted. “Distraction shows up as impatience or indifference,” Stein explains.
Even if some of these sound familiar, Stein says the solution isn’t accusation but communication. “Most people fantasize, and it doesn’t always mean dissatisfaction,” she says. “Talk about what feels off and what kind of intimacy you both want.”
Honesty, curiosity, and a sense of humor tend to help more than suspicion. Often, the way back to connection starts with remembering what brought you together.
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