Every relationship, no matter how healthy, experiences arguments from time to time. In fact, these hard conversations are what allow two people to grow together. Your shared ability to resolve conflict will directly influence your compatibility and strength as a couple.
Are you wondering whether you’re fighting right? Here are four common yet detrimental mistakes couples make when arguing—so you can avoid them going forward.
1. Avoiding the Core Issue
Take a moment to reflect on your current (or past) relationship. Consider your worst and most common arguments. Now, ask yourself whether they share the same core problem.
For example, do most of your fights boil down to unmet needs? Perhaps they stem from incompatibility or differing values? Whatever the case, if you’re not getting to the root of the problem and only ever sweep it under the rug, you’ll continue having the same fight in different forms. It’s like putting a Band-Aid on a bullet hole. You have to tend to the wound before you can heal and move forward as a stronger, more aligned couple.
2. Blaming Rather Than Empathizing With Each Other
Empathy is crucial in any relationship, as it allows you to understand your partner’s experience as much as your own. Instead of playing the blame game and pointing fingers when issues arise, try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes.
Everyone has different life experiences and lessons to bring to the table. Don’t assume yours is the only perspective that matters in your relationship. When two people can come together as a unit, trying to understand and consider the other’s thoughts, feelings, and opinions, they have a much easier time working through issues.
If you only ever consider your own perspective, you’ll never be able to grow together with your partner. You’ll just continue demonizing them.
3. Not Knowing When to Pause
By trusting another person with the most intimate parts of ourselves, we place ourselves in quite vulnerable positions, which can bring out insecurities, doubt, and fear. However, if we allow these emotions to run the show, we will never be able to work through conflict.
Arguments are bound to happen in any relationship, but if you find yourself getting so emotional that you’re no longer grounded in the conversation, it’s important to pause and step back so your emotions don’t take over.
For example, my boyfriend and I go through months of long distance when he’s traveling for work. If an argument arises when he’s away and one of us feels particularly emotional due to the distance, we will usually put the argument aside and focus on connecting and reassuring each other in the moment. Then, when we feel less sensitive and more rational, we come back to discuss the conflict—if it even still lingers.
4. Turning Conversations Into Fights
Oftentimes, a simple conversation unnecessarily transforms into a massive fight. If you despise conflict, become triggered by criticism, and lack accountability for your role in your relationship issues, you might interpret discussions as arguments.
No relationship is perfect, and open, authentic communication is a healthy way to work through misunderstandings and difficult emotions. However, if you or your partner constantly feel like you’re walking on eggshells, waiting for heightened reactions, you’ll never be able to resolve conflict. Not everything is a personal attack. Sometimes, it’s just a plea to be seen, heard, and considered.
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