While Marie Antoinette once said, “Let them eat cake,” Heather Dubrow posited, “That girl Sarah broke the bow off my cake… and ate it.”
So it’s only fitting that the Real Housewives of Orange County dress up in their Spring finest for a night of cake making and non-stop fighting, in which not a soul eats even a bite of cake—although some frosting licks sneak through the cracks.
It starts with some classic RHOC solo footage as a frazzled Tamra hangs up wisteria in an ode to Desperate Housewives (a woman after my own heart), while preparing for her Spring Fling. Still reeling from the rumor she slept with a ’90s boy band singer, Tamra invites all but Gretchen to the event. God-fearing woman she is, Gretchen would rather join her family in a prayer-filled photoshoot in the middle of some trail, anyway.
This week, Tamra dons a “THAT’S MY OPINION.” cap, making for her third statement hat in three episodes. This time, the statement is “you know what I’ve learned? A friend to everybody is a friend to nobody,” and that’s exactly why Tamra has decided to be an enemy to all, ostracizing her allies at expert speed.
Meanwhile, Heather and Shannon are trying a more spirited approach. The duo meets for the art of kintsugi, a Japanese style of pottery where “instead of throwing away the pieces we may have once considered were broken, we’re adorning our scars.” The conceit of Real Housewives solo footage has grown so egregious over the years, so why not make Shannon practice the Japanese art of kintsugi? It’s kind of beautiful symbolism in that Heather and Shannon have repaired their once-shattered relationship. Somewhere, a producer smiled storyboarding this scene.
Across town, Gina makes a store return. That seems about right for Gina Kirschenheiter solo footage. Of course, whether it’s the ladies practicing the art of kintsugi or Gina being a Maxxinisita, the real subject is on Tamra’s alleged affair with a ’90s boy band singer who has clearly asked not to be named, given the 600 bleeps in his favor.
Everyone’s approach is a bit different. Shannon simply wonders how the studio audio could capture singing and moaning at the same time, while Gina wonders why Tamra would even try to deny such exciting accusations. Someone, please accuse Gina of sleeping with a Backstreet Boy!
Jenn takes a more tactical approach, following the boy band singer on Instagram. Look, the last time Jenn put out an Instagram S.O.S., she got Gretchen a job on the show, so maybe she’s hoping to go 2-for-2. In her own words, “I was actually hoping that if I followed this guy and he saw my name, maybe he wants to say something. Unfortunately, nothing happened.”
Jenn is the median RHOC viewer given a perpetual orange. Maybe that shouldn’t work, and it certainly wouldn’t if she were even a bit savvier, but Jenn’s aloof nature makes her such an intoxicating personality. No one else could carry solo footage as harrowing as “my military-enlisting son who co-signed a loan for my other son almost dies while getting a tattoo” with such a joie de vivre.
Her scenes have an effervescent energy you’ll just never find in “my family is falling apart, again” Emily footage. Those kids playing Roblox while Emily wonders, on national TV, if her son is autistic for the eighth week in a row is… well, it’s The Real Housewives of Orange County.
But nothing’s quite as RHOC as Tamra dressing like a Stepford wife to host a cake-making event where she threatens to quit the show twice while Heather stews over people denigrating her acting career. The hills are alive in Orange County, the suburb of petty drama, where nothing ever happens—and somehow, that’s everything.
Time is a circle in Orange County. Just last week, Tamra and Gretchen were fighting like it’s Season 8. Now, Tamra and Heather are turning on each other for a lack of trust, like it’s Season 17. You can pluck the tiniest moment of RHOC history and expand it into a season-long storyline.
The “Heather isn’t a real actress” allegations have reared their ugly head time and time again, whether she was guest-stinting on ABC’s Malibu Country or appearing in an entirely off-screen production just a few months before. This time, the ladies are in disbelief that such a stiff, humorless woman could have joined The Groundlings, LA’s premier sketch comedy troupe. Do they not know she did stand-up comedy? Heather declined the Riyadh sketch festival invite, unlike some. She’s classy.
Not so classy? Emily entering Tamra’s home and telling her she doesn’t trust her. But messy always beats classy on the Real Housewives. I don’t give a rip about lifestyle porn.
Apparently, the sleepover wasn’t only a place for Heather, “Gretchers,” and Emily to speculate about Tamra’s sex life. The group bonding activity was ghost-written by Marysol Patton, as the ladies asked each other “Who do you trust the least?” and everyone’s answer, unsurprisingly, was Tamra.
“That hurts my feelings,” Tamra shares, utilizing her newly learned therapy skills to practice the art of feeling. “It just hurts my feelings, because I support, support, support. Nobody supports me!”
So, Tamra storms off… before the party has even begun, leaving Emily and the cake-making lady. Ever the professional, though, Tamra returns so they can slop some frosting on a cake. And maybe so she can let slip that she’s soon to meet with Katie, just to tick off Emily a little. You can come for the Judge all you want, but you’ll be charged with a misdemeanor at the very least. This is the same Tamra who befriended Gretchen, of all people, just to annoy Vicki Gunvalson.
As Emily starts huffing and puffing, Tamra runs inside to mumble “let’s decorate cakes… let’s decorate cakes…” like a malfunctioning trad-bot. Immediately, she shoots the blame over to Heather, threatening to quit the show again since, apparently, no one trusts her!
The issue ricochets onto Gina, who also made fun of Heather’s hilarious nature because she doesn’t support women and wants to make comedy illegal. Heather just can’t understand why anyone would be perplexed by her love for comedy, as though she doesn’t have the funniest line in Housewives history (“I was just asked to leave a department store. This is what I heard on the door, ‘BANG BANG BANG! Is there an American lady in there!?’ *stage gasp*”).
Gina relents, giving a confessional at gun-point that may be her funniest moment yet: “Heather’s very funny. I was wrong. She’s my funny friend!”
This gives us a chance to return to real issues, with the cake-making lady still held hostage, no less. Tamra has no time for the pretense of kicking out her designated extras to start the scene. You signed a release, now get in the fray!
The other ladies bolt for the courtyard as Tamra trots out screenshots of Jenn’s Instagram behavior, even noting the time at which Jenn followed the boy band member. Nothing is solved here, obviously, as Jenn simply stands there like a deer in headlights, insisting there’s nothing shady about following the woman who might know if Tamra cheated on her husband at 5:22 a.m. That’s the Jenn Pedranti promise: act so innocuous people don’t know if you’re not even smart enough to be devious.
The Tamra Judge promise? Crying while threatening to quit, apparently. She reminds me of my 10-year old self, who would run away all the way to the staircase, waiting desperately for a sliver of attention. She wears that longest-running Housewife title like a crown, and rightfully so. Tamra’s not quitting over a cake-making party.
Still, she trots out some acting skills of her own, to level with Heather: “You can’t trust me?” a teary eyed Tamra asks. “I thought that we were close, and for you to say that just hurts my feelings so bad that I just don’t even want to be in this group anymore.”
It’s invigorating to watch Tamra switch in and out of a cracked voice while arguing with Heather, her one true adversary. These two know they can incinerate each other, so they play pretend most of the time in search of longevity. When they drop the pretense, it produces some downright delicious TV.
“Thank you for being a friend!” Tamra cries sardonically, which sadly did take me out of the scene to the point I was singing the Golden Girls theme song in my head. These really are Bravo’s dysfunctional golden girls, and they’re in another golden era. No one trusts anyone, all bets are off, and all hell is breaking loose in the absence of easy scapegoats. A Tamra on the outs is always the best Tamra. Desperation is the key to a great Housewife.
The Real Housewives of Orange County may hate each other, but they have history. Their fights are petty, incomprehensibly silly, and take place in increasingly convoluted places. But they’re real, and that’s all that matters.
The post The Real Housewives Boy Band Affair Scandal Gets More Dramatic appeared first on The Daily Beast.
