When Alexandra Solomon, a psychologist at Northwestern University, taught a class about the psychology and sociology of love and marriage, she regularly assigned “Love Sense,” by Sue Johnson.
Her undergraduate students were often going through their own heartbreaks, and Dr. Johnson’s book on the neuroscience of romantic attachment validated their experiences.
“They’d say, ‘It was only six months, I shouldn’t be hurting this badly,’” Dr. Solomon recalled, but the required reading about attachment helped them make sense of their emotions.
These kinds of patterns are now familiar to many, thanks to the popularity of attachment labels: People with an “anxious” style tend to pursue connection and emotional intimacy during moments of conflict, while people who withdraw are generally considered “avoidant.” And those with “secure” attachment are better able to maintain connection even when rifts and difficulties arise.
Those terms emerge from attachment theory, which was coined by John Bowlby, a psychologist who studied parent-child attachment in the 1950s. The theory suggests that our early caregiver relationships help shape how we connect with others later on.
Recognizing attachment patterns, Dr. Solomon said, can help us “create a relationship that feels good.” And books, she added, give us the language and tools to do it.
We asked psychologists and therapists for books that explain the science of attachment — and why it matters for relationships. These four titles rose to the top.
‘Secure Love’ by Julie Menanno
A favorite among therapists we interviewed, this 2024 book helps readers understand how their attachment patterns interact with those of others.
Ms. Menanno, a marriage and family therapist, encourages couples with mismatched attachment styles to see their relationship conflicts as a loop through which one partner pushes for closeness while the other pulls away. This can help readers “shift thinking from, ‘My partner is the problem to the cycle is the problem,’” Dr. Solomon said.
The book also features scripts couples can use when they’re struggling to connect, giving them what Dr. Solomon calls a “road map” for communication.
Wendy Bianchini, a therapist in Bozeman, Mont., said “Secure Love” helped her clients make sense of their attachment patterns: “Couples that I work with, who are also using Menanno’s book as a resource, make a lot faster progress in their relationships.”
‘Wired for Love’ by Stan Tatkin
Dr. Tatkin is a clinical psychologist whose practice focuses on neuroscience, biology and attachment theory to address conflict in relationships. In this 2012 book, he highlights two common mental states that he calls “the warring brain,” which arises during conflict; and “the loving brain,” which helps you cultivate bonds. His goal is to show readers that they can move from hostility toward openness with their partners, Dr. Solomon said.
Allen Sabey, a clinical assistant professor at Northwestern University, recommended this book because it delves deeply into the neurobiology of attachment. But “Wired for Love” has practical tips, too. Dr. Sabey says it provides “solid directions for healing,” and helps his clients build trust and security in their relationships.
Dr. Tatkin suggests having difficult conversations with your partner face to face and using eye contact. He also recommends 10 minutes of nonsexual physical contact — like hugging, holding hands or cuddling — every day, which research has shown to be therapeutic for couples.
“We’ve all had the experience where we’re irritated with our partner,” Dr. Solomon said, adding that this can quickly turn into anger. But if we share physical space with our partner, she continued, underscoring the book’s advice, we “sync up with them again.”
‘Cherishment’ by Elisabeth Young-Bruehl and Faith Bethelard
“There’s an innate drive to love and be loved,” said Joshua Ollswang, a therapist in Oak Park, Ill. And “Cherishment,” published in 2000, presents this sentiment beautifully, he said.
Dr. Young-Bruehl, a psychoanalyst, and Dr. Bethelard, a clinical psychologist, studied attachment and emotional development. The book blends personal anecdotes with academic theories like attachment, interdependence and self-determination.
It also explores how the desire for love can clash with the drive for independence. Still, the message is optimistic: To love and be loved, the authors emphasize, is something that we can cultivate, even if we’ve been hurt. “It’s not like a limb that we’ve lost that can’t be regrown,” Mr. Ollswang said.
‘The Power of Attachment’ by Diane Poole Heller
Dr. Heller, a clinical psychologist and educator who studied trauma and attachment, wrote this 2019 book to demystify our relationships. In it, she argues that traumatic childhood experiences can make partnerships more difficult, but healing from those wounds is possible.
For example, “The Power of Attachment” includes exercises for building trust through co-regulation, which is when partners notice each other’s emotional states and respond with calm cues — like words, touch or presence — to help stabilize one another.
Through tools like these, Dr. Solomon said, we can improve how we relate to one another. “Attachment style isn’t destiny,” she added.
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