Welcome to Late Night Roundup, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.
Generally Speaking
Secretary of War Pete Hegseth addressed senior military leaders at a summit on Tuesday.
“But you know, I’m sure if the secretary is going to gather all the generals, some of them from active war zones, then he must have something very important he wants to tell them,” Ronny Chieng said on Tuesday’s “The Daily Show.”
“Listen, we all do weird things when we’re drunk, OK? Some of us slide into an ex’s DMs, and some of us call every U.S. general to a meeting at Quantico.” — RONNY CHIENG
During his address, Hegseth lectured the audience about the importance of proper athleticism and grooming standards, saying, “It’s tiring to look out at combat formations, or really any formation, and see fat troops. Likewise, it’s completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals in the halls of the Pentagon.”
“That’s what you dragged all these generals in for? To tell them they’re fat? Couldn’t you just leave passive aggressive comments on their Instagram? Like, ‘Hey, congrats, general. When are you due?’” — RONNY CHIENG
“I mean, this guy will text top secret war plans, but when it comes to body-shaming, he’s like, ‘I want to see their fat faces when I tell them how fat their faces are.’” — RONNY CHIENG
“Look, I get the military needs to be fit, but in defense of fat generals, they’re kind of like coaches, right? Coaches don’t need to be fit enough to play the sport — they just have to be fit enough to date a 24-year-old.” — RONNY CHIENG
“According to Pete Hegseth, America’s military standards are now going to be indistinguishable from a Grindr profile, OK? ‘No fatties, no facial hair, and get those ladies the [expletive] out of my sight.’” — RONNY CHIENG
The Punchiest Punchlines (Shutdown Edition)
“Well, guys, Congress failed to reach an agreement on a spending deal, and now, we’re just a few minutes away from a government shutdown. Yeah. You know that queasy feeling when your phone battery is at one percent? That’s our government right now.” — JIMMY FALLON
“Yep, this’ll be the first government shutdown since 2018 — not including Joe Biden at the debate.” — JIMMY FALLON
“Democrats want Republicans to agree to continue funding the Affordable Care Act, whereas Republicans want to use that money to add crab legs to the omelet station at Mar-a-Lago.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“And Trump is threatening to make ‘irreversible cuts’ if there’s a shut down, which — you know what? I was recently the victim of a government shutdown. They are reversible, I will tell you that.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
The Bits Worth Watching
Jimmy Kimmel and Stephen Colbert appeared on each other’s Tuesday episodes, with Guillermo joining the hosts for a tequila shot on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”
What We’re Excited About on Wednesday Night
The singer and rapper Doja Cat will co-host Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”
Also, Check This Out
Charlie Hunnam plays the man who inspired fictional killers Norman Bates and Leatherface in Ryan Murphy’s “Monster: The Ed Gein Story.”
The post Ronny Chieng Shades Pete Hegseth’s Military Address appeared first on New York Times.
