These are things people might say when they claim to be setting boundaries:
“You really have to stop coming over unannounced.”
“Don’t talk to me that way.”
“If you can’t honor my needs, I’m cutting off all contact.”
But like so much of the therapy-speak infiltrating social media and our culture at large, the meaning of “boundaries” has been lost in translation. When psychologists talk about boundaries, they don’t mean controlling other people with ultimatums or insulating yourself from relationship problems. Setting a boundary means controlling your own behavior with rules that you set for yourself.
These rules are a healthy way of expressing our needs and expectations — and they can help us foster stronger connections with the important people in our lives, said Nedra Glover Tawwab, a therapist and the author of “Set Boundaries, Find Peace.”
How do you establish a boundary?
Say that your mother often comments on your weight. If you ask her to please stop mentioning your size, this is a request — not a boundary.
If she ignores that request, then you can establish a boundary. One way would be to disallow her belief about your body to become your belief, said KC Davis, a therapist in Texas and the author of “Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen, or End Any Relationship.”
“I don’t need to send her books; I don’t need to have conversations about Health at Every Size,” Ms. Davis said. “I don’t need to convince her that I’m healthy. I just go, ‘OK, Mom,’ and move on.”
You can also create a boundary with a clear statement. For instance, if your teenager is speaking to you disrespectfully, you can say: “I want to have a conversation with you, but I will not continue to talk with someone who is berating me.”
Or you might set a silent boundary. If a friend sends you a text message that makes you feel uncomfortable, for example, you can choose not to reply.
How can a boundary strengthen a relationship?
When we set limits or boundaries for ourselves, we are drawing a line between our needs and those of other people — and this helps us maintain healthy relationships, said Catherine A. Sanderson, a professor of psychology at Amherst College.
If we don’t set boundaries, ignoring those needs can cause us to “explode” emotionally, Dr. Sanderson said. And that’s because we didn’t reflect on what we needed in the relationship, she added.
Sometimes, however, the other person isn’t capable of giving you exactly what you want. In those instances, if you still wish to have a relationship, you can use boundaries to maintain a connection that feels good.
Ms. Davis recalled a time when setting a boundary helped her feel less resentful toward a friend.
“We’d make plans to hang out and she wouldn’t show, or I would go to pick her up and she wouldn’t answer the door,” Ms. Davis said. “I was at my wits’ end.”
Eventually, Ms. Davis stopped making so many plans with her friend and quit expecting her to be more available, but she didn’t try to control her friend’s behavior. Now, when they catch up it’s just a few times a year, but Ms. Davis can fully enjoy their visits.
Does the type of boundary matter when building a relationship?
Mental health experts recognize three types of boundaries: rigid, porous and healthy.
Someone with consistently rigid boundaries tends to avoid close relationships, has difficulty trusting others and is unlikely to ask for help. To the other extreme, people with porous boundaries tend to overshare personal information, allow themselves to be disrespected, become too involved in other people’s problems and have difficulty saying “no.”
Typically, people exhibit a mix of these different types of boundaries, depending on the relationship. For example, they might have a porous boundary with their romantic partner and a rigid boundary with a co-worker.
Ideally, everyone should aim for healthy boundaries — that means valuing our own wants and needs, opening ourselves up to intimacy when we want to and saying “no” when necessary.
“We want to get right in that zone where there is some balance and flexibility,” Ms. Tawwab said, adding that overly rigid or porous boundaries can create fractures in relationships.
What if your boundaries make someone angry?
Sometimes people will interpret your boundaries as being unsettling or even hurtful. They may “tend to push against the boundary again and again,” Dr. Sanderson said. “It becomes this really negative cycle.”
But even if a boundary seems unreasonable, unfair or just plain silly, respecting it builds a stronger relationship.
It can help to have an honest discussion about any hurt feelings, Dr. Sanderson said, and maybe even negotiate. For example, if your spouse is frustrated because you refuse to talk about the big fight from the day before, you might consider relaxing that boundary after you’ve had a chance to calm down.
“We’re not saying, ‘I don’t love you’ — we’re not saying, ‘I don’t trust you,’” Dr. Sanderson said. “We’re saying, ‘For me right now, I can’t talk about that.’”
Christina Caron is a Times reporter covering mental health.
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