Have you ever heard of eldest daughter syndrome? If you’re on a certain side of TikTok, you might be familiar with the concept.
Countless women have created videos about their experience growing up as the oldest of their siblings. In fact, Taylor Swift even has a song titled “Eldest Daughter” on her upcoming album. If Taylor’s talking about it, that’s gotta mean something, right?
Kati Morton, LMFT, made a TikTok video stressing that eldest daughter syndrome is not an actual mental health diagnosis. However, it’s used to describe the responsibilities and pressures eldest daughters face within their families—as well as their lasting impacts on the individual.
“In short, those of us with EDS are responsible for more domestic labor than our siblings,” she explained in her video.
In her video, which you can watch below, Morton provided eight signs you might have eldest daughter syndrome.
1. You Struggle with Hyper-Responsibility
Most older siblings carry more responsibility within their families than younger siblings. Of course, that’s not always the case. However, many kids—especially the elder ones—are parentified.
When it comes to eldest daughters in particular, this experience is even more exacerbated. While sons might assume the role of protector or provider, thanks to societal standards, daughters often bear the emotional weight and responsibilities. For example, they might be tasked with nurturing their younger siblings, acting as a therapist or “friend” for their mothers, caregiving for their fathers, mediating fights between their parents, and keeping a clean and organized home, among many other things.
As a result, they might carry these responsibilities into adult relationships, falling into a caregiver role while neglecting their own needs.
2. You’re an Overachiever
Parents often set the standards and expectations high for the eldest daughter. This naturally creates an overachiever—someone who only feels worthy when they’re going above and beyond. They might find love and acceptance through their accomplishments or selflessness.
3. You Struggle with Anxiety
Many eldest daughters struggle with anxiety, as they’ve had to bear the weight of their family’s problems on their shoulders since they were just children. Once they reach adulthood, they might feel burnt out, exhausted, depleted, and hypervigilant. Their nervous systems are dysregulated, activated by the most seemingly minor triggers.
4. You’re a People-Pleaser
People-pleasing is like second nature to many eldest daughters. They spent most of their childhood appealing to their parents or prioritizing their siblings over themselves. After a while, this pattern becomes deeply ingrained and is hard to break.
5. You Have Difficulty Setting Boundaries
Many eldest daughters had to follow their family’s rules, unable to live their lives for their own benefit. Because of this, they might feel “selfish” when setting boundaries—or, perhaps, they don’t even know it’s an option. They’ve never learned that they can say “no” or push back on an idea or plan that doesn’t work for them.
6. You Resent Your Family
All those years of overgiving and accommodating to their own detriment can breed resentment. Even if they know it’s not necessarily their siblings’ fault, or they’re aware that their parents were trying their best, they might still feel anger and bitterness toward their family.
7. You Struggle With Guilt
Eldest daughters are often riddled with guilt, feeling like they’re not doing enough or—in some cases—wishing they could have done more. Due to the impossible standards they must meet and responsibilities they must fulfill, it’s almost inevitable that they’ll sometimes fall short. But their desire for perfection fuels guilt and shame.
8. Your Adult Relationships Suffer
Given all of the above, it’s understandable that many eldest daughters struggle in relationships. Maybe they crave too much control, unable to let their partner be their own person. Or perhaps, on the other hand, they overgive and neglect their own needs, breeding resentment in each new relationship.
If this sounds like you, you’re not alone. It might help to reflect on these patterns and explore your struggles in therapy, if that’s accessible to you.
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