A recent study published in the journal Personal Relationships stressed the importance of relationship clarity in building fulfilling romantic connections. In fact, it seems the less clarity you have, the lonelier and less satisfied you feel.
But in a world that constantly tells us who we should be, how we should feel, and what we should value, it can seem impossible to answer the question: what do I truly need from a relationship?
Here are three ways to find relationship clarity—so you can finally get what you deserve in love.
1. Define Your Needs vs. Wants
I don’t care what anyone says: you will never find the absolutely perfect person for you—one who has zero flaws and requires no sacrifice whatsoever. Because of this, it’s important to understand and differentiate between your needs vs. your wants in a relationship.
For example, as someone who struggles with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), I know that I need a partner with high emotional intelligence and good communication skills. Without it, I likely would feel misunderstood and constantly on edge due to the emotional disconnect. Does that mean I’ve had to turn down quite a few solid connections with men who leaned more toward avoidant? Yes, but it was for the best—for both of us.
On the other hand, I might want someone who shares the same music taste with me, but is it really all that necessary? No, it’s not.
Being able to separate your needs vs. your wants will allow you to be rigid when needed and flexible when allowed. Your needs might include physical and emotional intimacy, shared political views and values, and compatible long-term goals, while your wants might include similar lifestyles and hobbies. One is a non-negotiable; the other is a would-be nice.
Does that mean you can’t have it all? Of course, not. But if your partner doesn’t fulfill a need, you’ll know they’re likely not the one. If they don’t satisfy a want, but you’re willing to make it work anyway, you have more room to sacrifice without feeling resentful.
2. Be Honest About Any Life Goals or Timelines You Might Have
Discussing timelines on a first date might seem a bit extreme, and I’m not recommending you bring up marriage and kids within the first few weeks of meeting someone. That being said, as we get older, we must be willing to have these difficult conversations upfront to avoid wasting anyone’s time.
For example, if one partner wants to solo-travel the world for the next five years, while the other wants to settle down and start a family, that’s a major incompatibility that needs to be addressed. Neither person is right nor wrong. We all have different life goals and timelines. But if you constantly bend your own to make it work with someone else, you’ll only ever breed resentment. This is a recipe for unfulfillment.
As a woman, I’ve always struggled with my own internal clock. I know I want kids, but I also know I won’t settle to get them. I also know I won’t rush into marriage before fully understanding a person, witnessing them in different contexts, and learning how they might show up as a life partner and parent. However, I also know that I’m not in a position to waste my time dating someone who isn’t on the same page as I am.
There must be a balance between having the difficult conversation without making the other person feel rushed or pressured to fit a role. It’s all about honest, authentic, and vulnerable self-expression, as well as mutual respect.
3. Practice Radical Acceptance
One issue I’ve always struggled with is self-acceptance. Throughout my life, I’ve downplayed, invalidated, and even shamed my own needs, which only ever made them feel more pressing. I would often adapt to unfulfilling relationships to make the other person happy. I knew that if I were honest about my own needs—if I fully accepted myself and the other person as they were in that very moment, and not as the person they might someday become—we’d have to part ways.
Radical acceptance—of others and of myself—has allowed me to be more honest about and confident in what I truly need from a partner. It’s also helped me stop trying to control the other person or mold them into someone who might one day fulfill my needs.
Without acceptance, true love will never exist. You’ll only be loving a fantasy—the idea of the person or their potential. That’s not fair to you or your partner. Love them as they are, or let them find someone else who will—and let yourself find someone who is on the same page as you.
The post 3 Tips for Figuring Out What the Heck You Want in a Relationship appeared first on VICE.
