If you can’t find the words to tell your significant other it’s over, it’s not you—it’s the fact that not much is harder to initiate than a breakup conversation.
That’s what Morgan Cope learned in her early 20s: “I would get so anxious to the point where I couldn’t physically say anything,” she recalls. Now, as an assistant professor of psychology at Centre College in Kentucky who researches breakups, she developed a framework that was both clear and compassionate in order to make it easier for people to stand their ground, rather than being coaxed into giving things another try.
The result: a five-step script she calls “the breakup butterfly” that’s informed by relationship theory and data, and that she describes as “detailed and dignified.” If you decide to use it, start preparing your partner a day (or few hours) in advance by giving them a head’s up, she advises: “Hey, I’d like to talk. I’ve been thinking about some things.” In addition to not blindsiding them, that can also hold you accountable so you actually follow through. If possible, make sure they eat beforehand, since that can help regulate emotional responses, she adds.
We asked Cope to walk us through the five steps of her breakup script—and how to apply them to your own conversations.
1. Say it out loud
How do you start a breakup conversation? By making it really clear what, exactly, is happening, Cope says. Rather than dancing around the subject and confusing your soon-to-be ex, plainly state the fact that you’re ending the relationship. Some of her favorite ways to phrase it: “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore,” “I’ve given this a lot of reflection and thought, and I’m unable to be in this relationship anymore,” or “This relationship is no longer making me happy.”
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“The aim is to not put blame on the person, even if it’s been tumultuous,” she says. “It’s for the sake of clarity, because sometimes people make you reject them two or three times.”
In the days leading up to The Talk, practice your opening line—to your friends, your cat, or simply in front of the mirror. That will help you become more comfortable and confident.
2. “You and I mattered”
The next part of the conversation is all about acknowledging your partner—and the relationship you shared. Cope recommends telling them: “You’ve made a real difference in my life,” or “Our relationship has meant a lot to me.”
“What you don’t want to do is make someone feel unseen or minimized, especially if it’s a longer-term relationship,” Cope says. Even if you’re calling off a situationship for your own mental health—and maybe the other person doesn’t feel the same—“at least you know you said what you felt,” she says. “That’s for you as well as for them.”
3. The clench
This is the part of the conversation when you explain exactly why you want to end the relationship. Calling it “the clench” is “inspired by how my brain and body feel when I start to actually talk about the specifics of my emotions,” Cope says. “Some people are more or less comfortable talking about these details, but it’s very important that you actually name why you don’t want to be in the relationship anymore.”
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Try phrasing what you say like this: “I’m not happy because…”, “I’m not feeling fulfilled because…”, or “This is no longer working for me because…” Don’t hurl insults at your former partner, Cope cautions. Focus on providing reasons that center on your experience, not their shortcomings: You don’t get to spend enough time together; your personalities are incompatible; you envision different futures.
4. Zoom out
At this point, you’ve talked through the nitty-gritty details of your ill-fated relationship—all the reasons why it’s over. After that, “you have to kind of pull yourself, and also your partner, out of that pit and bring them to the resolution of the conversation,” Cope says. For example, you might say: “So for these reasons, I’m ending our relationship.” Or: “As you can see, this isn’t working for me.”
The idea is to transition from “these low-level details into higher level understandings,” Cope says. “It integrates those details and gets you ready to say the final thing.” It’s an important intermediary step that contextualizes the facts of the breakup, she says, and helps you prepare to conclude the conversation.
5. Open the floor
Once you’ve said everything you want to say, it’s usually a good idea to give your partner an opportunity to share what they’re thinking and feeling. (If there’s an unhealthy dynamic at play and the other person is losing their cool, you can skip this step, Cope caveats.) If you do decide to proceed, phrase your invitation like this: “Now that you know how I feel, I’d like to hear what you’re thinking.” Or: “I’m open to talking through your reaction—just know that I’ve made up my mind.”
Depending on how the conversation goes, these five steps can be a circle, rather than a linear trajectory, Cope adds: You might need to return to step one and repeat, “This relationship is no longer making me happy, and it’s done.” Sometimes people need to hear it more than once.
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Your final words—the ones that get you out the door—depend on whether you ever want to talk to your ex again. If they’re clearly in shock and having a hard time processing the news, and you’re up for staying on good terms, you could say: “I feel like we’ve discussed all that we can for right now. Why don’t we meet again in three days?” Or: “Why don’t we meet again next week and talk about it?”
If you’d rather not see them again, however, that’s your right. Wrap things up by saying: “I feel like this is now unproductive,” or “I’ve said everything I can say, and I don’t have much more to communicate. I’m going to have to go.”
“You can always get up and leave,” Cope says. “I want people to know that someone’s reaction to a breakup is not their responsibility—but it is your responsibility to craft your breakup narrative in a way that is dignified for the other person, and for yourself.”
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email [email protected]
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