If you’ve ever gone through a breakup, you’ve likely received the brutal advice of going “no contact” with your ex. But does this rule actually help us? And if so, how?
What Is ‘No Contact’?
“No contact” is a rule many people follow post-breakup. Basically, it’s exactly as it sounds: you cut off all contact with your ex, in an attempt to get over them. That might look like muting or blocking them on social media, not responding to calls or texts, and basically pretending they’re dead to you—not to punish them, but to give yourself time away from them so you can heal.
Creating this space—both physical and emotional—from your ex-partner allows you to move on without constantly factoring them into your decisions and your future. Naturally, after a breakup, we are still wired to think about that person constantly. No matter how long you dated them for, they were once a regular part of your everyday life. You likely spoke with them each morning and night, scheduled multiple hangouts throughout the week if you lived close, attended outings together, and relied on each other for support and love.
Just because you can logically tell yourself the relationship is over doesn’t mean your mind and body will process it right away. In fact, it will continue to search for ways to connect with that person and salvage some sort of contact with them, even if it’s just happening in your brain.
If you don’t allow yourself distance from your ex (including cutting off texts and phone calls), you might have a harder time accepting the breakup and fully allowing yourself to move on.
Going ‘No Contact’ Will Be Painful
Just because something is good for you doesn’t mean it’s easy. Oftentimes, going no contact feels like enduring severe emotional withdrawals from the person you love and the connection you shared. Especially when there’s sex and intimacy involved, this can cause extreme, sometimes unbearable pain and mourning.
However, this cold-turkey approach will accelerate the process and allow you to fully grieve the loss without living in a state of hopeful limbo.
Take it from me: I attempted to stay in touch with an ex a few years back, telling myself I was strong enough to move on while still being able to touch base with him occasionally. However, subconsciously, I was still holding out hope. Every time he would ask to see me or message me a song he thought I’d like, I would fall right back into a downward spiral. All my progress and healing seemingly vanished. He knew that—and he took advantage of that, with no intention of ever rekindling. And within a few weeks, he began dating someone else.
I was devastated. If only I had cut off contact when we originally broke up…I would have been able to prepare for his moving on and perhaps even done so myself. But no, I wanted to stay in touch. I made excuses, telling myself, “But he still loves me! He even said so!” “We can still support each other.” “Maybe one day…”
It feels good to fuel yourself with false hope—momentarily, at least. That reassurance can only last so long.
Why You Should Go No Contact With Your Ex
Staying in contact with an ex can worsen the breakup and delay any progress you could have made during it. If you decide, instead, to temporarily cut off communication with your ex, you get to rediscover who you are without them. How exciting, if you really think about it?
Oftentimes, in relationships, we inevitably sacrifice certain parts of ourselves to salvage the connection. Maybe we don’t see friends or travel as often, or perhaps we push our hobbies aside to make more time for our lovers.
Being single and dedicating all your free time to yourself and your wants, needs, and desires will allow you to blossom and glow in ways you didn’t even know were possible.
Of course, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to breakups. You should always trust yourself and do what you’re comfortable with (within legal limits, obviously…). If you want to maintain some contact, that’s your prerogative.
However, if you want to rip the band-aid off and start healing, you might want to consider the no-contact rule. This doesn’t have to last forever; it’s just until you can find your grounding without them again.
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