My brother is 12 years older than I am, and he let me live with him after college. He’s more of a father figure than a sibling.

My brother has always been there for me, yet we have never played much, hung out for too long, or fought like brothers do. Being a dozen years older, he’s largely navigated his own way in life, and we’ve never been that close, at least not like typical siblings.

We lost our mother when I was 1, and we lost our father 14 years later. My brother’s role in my life after the death of our parents became more like that of a guardian and father figure than a brother. It happened naturally, and we’ve never questioned or discussed it.

My brother became like a third father to me

I lived with a foster family after our mother died and saw my father on weekends. My brother had to mature quickly; he lived with my father for a few years before mostly fending for himself from the age of 18. We didn’t see each other much when I was young, though I do have some fond memories of him from that time. He drove me around in his little car. We played darts and football. He bought me ice cream and fussed over me on birthdays.

After the death of our father, my brother became, in effect, a third father. I visited him and his partner on weekends, just like I’d done with my father. I stayed with him during university holidays, and when I finished studying, he picked me up with all my worldly belongings and welcomed me into his home. Living with my brother gave me a base from which to work, save, and see the world over the next six years, and I’m so thankful for that.

My brother, like a good parent, is generous. He insists on paying for everything when I visit. He consistently offers valuable advice, and I view him as a reliable sounding board on important topics like finances and retirement plans.

We rarely argue, but we also rarely joke around

The two of us rarely argue. We don’t talk about growing up in different households or past upheavals. Though we have differing perspectives on life and are 12 years apart, it’s something that exists in the background.

We do have things in common, like the enjoyment of sport and travel. However, while I traveled on a budget in my 20s and 30s, my brother had the money to travel more luxuriously. We’ve simply done things differently in life, and my brother and I don’t have a strong emotional bond. Again, the age gap feels too wide, and upbringings are different.

Our conversations are usually serious and polite. There are no creative arguments and heated disagreements. When we talk, we are respectful and don’t delve into feelings. Our dynamic has always felt closer to a father-son relationship in that way.

We don’t laugh much, cry, or show our emotions around each other. We’ve also never held grudges or sulked around each other, like siblings often do. I wish my brother’s playful side would come out more often. He has his moments, but his longtime maturity has made for a solemn outlook. I sometimes think having a cheeky brother with a naughty streak might be nice because we would then have similar traits.

My brother has always been an adult in my eyes. I’ve never asked him how he views our relationship, but maybe I should. He has always taken on that guardian mantle, and for aspects of that, I am grateful.

Our different childhoods have shaped our relationship now

I feel fortunate to have grown up with other kids, unlike my brother, who had a more solitary experience at home. He missed out on the experience of growing up with children his age in the house and was forced to become independent early.

My brother has also never had children of his own, and although he tried to bond with my daughter when she was younger, he found it hard. He has no connection with younger people and is firmly entrenched in the adult world.

I feel guilty that I have a closer relationship with my foster siblings than with my brother, but that is the way relationships have developed.

We can’t change the cards we’ve been dealt in life, but I wish my relationship with my brother felt more like that of siblings rather than parent and child.

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