I’ll be honest: I hate the word “toxic.” I think it’s a shameful term to describe human behaviors that often derive from either immense pain and trauma or a genuine misunderstanding of our own wants and needs.
That being said, just because you can pinpoint why you’re acting a certain way doesn’t mean you’re not responsible for healing and showing up more healthily in your relationships. These “toxic” patterns can cause severe damage to both your connection and your partner.
Wondering if you’re the problem in your love life? Here are seven signs you may be the toxic one in your relationship.
1. You Don’t Take Accountability
Let’s be real: we all f**k up from time to time. Relationships often bring out our deepest fears and vulnerabilities. Our partners basically hold up a mirror to show us all the healing we’ve been avoiding.
However, if you can’t handle criticism, grow defensive when your partner communicates their feelings, and blame-shift to avoid accountability, you will never grow in your connection.
2. You Nitpick Your Partner’s Every Move
Sometimes, when we’re riddled with doubt and anxiety in a relationship, we search for issues in the details just to gain some semblance of control. We might pick apart our partner for the most superficial or minor things, like the way they load the dishwasher or how they dress, believing it will resolve those unsettled feelings. The truth is, it’s on you to decide whether you can love someone despite their imperfections (which we all have, by the way). This behavior can drive away even the healthiest and most understanding people.
3. You Expect Your Partner to Know What You Want—then Get Mad When They Don’t
Instead of communicating your feelings, you let them fester, leading to resentment and a host of other negative emotions. Your partner is not a mind-reader. If you don’t express your wants and needs in your relationship, you’re only setting yourself up for disaster. Expecting them to “know you” well enough to anticipate all your emotions is unrealistic and unhealthy.
4. You Push Boundaries
A good partner respects their significant other’s boundaries. For example, maybe they’re uncomfortable with PDA and only want to hold your hand, not make out or touch, in public. Despite knowing this about them, you still get handsy with them in front of their friends and family. That’s a major boundary violation.
If you purposefully push your partner’s boundaries, whether to get a reaction or assert your dominance, you likely don’t respect your partner the way you think you do—and the way they deserve.
5. You Crave (and Create) Drama
If you’re used to high-highs and low-lows in relationships, you might feel “bored” with a healthy connection. Without even realizing it, you might begin to seek out drama or issues within your relationship. Maybe you feed into unwarranted doubts about your partner’s loyalty, suddenly accusing them of cheating or stealing their phone to read their messages. Or perhaps you simply start a petty argument to feel something. This is a major red flag that you have some unresolved issues to work through.
6. You Try to Control Your Partner
This one is obvious. However, many people don’t even realize what they’re doing. Maybe they label it a “boundary” when telling their partner to cut off every friend of the opposite sex or not allowing them to dress a certain way.
While you can (and should) communicate any discomfort you have in the relationship, attempting to control your partner is not loving them as they are. If you decide you’re not compatible, find the courage to walk away, not try to change them.
7. You Weaponize Your Partner’s Vulnerabilities
Many people will use their partner’s darkest traumas and insecurities against them during arguments. For example, perhaps your partner once confided in you about how their ex blindsided them with a breakup. You know it took them months to heal from the sudden loss.
So, during a fight, you decide to weaponize this to your advantage, stating, “Now I can see why your ex left you. You’re impossible to deal with.”
This is one of the most harmful behaviors in a relationship, as it can distort the individual’s self-perception and cause them to doubt their own truth.
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