Ross and Rachel may have been talking about romance when they declared, “We were on a break!” but the line lands just as hard when it comes to friendships. The end of a close friendship—whether sudden or gradual—can surface in the folds of daily life, from a song you used to listen to together to routines you once shared.
“I’ve seen these long-lost friends in my dream,” says Yukti Bhagchandani, “Sometimes I’m in a particular town eating some random dish that reminds me of them—maybe because we shared it once, or because of some story tied to it. And then, just as suddenly, the memory fades.”
To understand why the loss cuts so deep, Newsweek speaks with friendship experts and women who have lived through it.
Anna Goldfarb, author of Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections, explains that friendships are way more ambiguous than romantic relationships, which tend to be more structured: “The thing with romantic breakups is that there’s a lot of certainty of we are in a relationship. We’re dating and this is what it means.”
She points out that ambiguity amplifies the pain of a breakup because it’s hard to communicate what you’ve lost. “Even the word ‘friend’ is ambiguous—is friend your best friend from childhood, your friend from college, a friend from the neighbourhood?”
Bhagchandani, 29, reflects that reality simply, “You just learn to make and rely on other friends. Sometimes, even 20 years later, I’ve thought of reaching out—but if they haven’t, especially if they messed up (in my version), then why should I?”
“Friendships are one of the few peer-to-peer relationships where you’re on equal footing,” Goldfarb explains. “Losing that connection can be deeply upsetting because it was such a pleasurable relationship.”
Danielle Bayard Jackson, who specializes in women’s friendships, says that research shows women often integrate friendships into their lives almost like family—like a sibling or a cousin. “There’s real grief because that friend is so intertwined in the fabric of their life—socially, emotionally, spiritually.”
Mahika Bhardwaj, 29, shares how she felt when her decade-long friendship fell apart, “With friendships, one always tends to think that people will bounce back,” she says. “But when that doesn’t happen, it hurts more, especially if there have been a lot of ‘firsts,’ like the first time you went clubbing or smoked, or just entered the mini adulthood rabbit hole together in college.”
Goldfarb, a friendship expert for women in mid-life, draws on Tom Rath’s concept of “vital roles” friends play—champions, energizers, collaborators. “When a friendship ends, you’re grieving not just the person but the role they played. Losing a champion or energizer leaves a distinct void, and we don’t have shared vocabulary to articulate that loss.”
Navashree Nandini, 28, describes the loss as almost impossible to articulate: “It never leaves you. Not many people understand it. Even if some do, they’ll just advise you to move on and make new friends. But the vacuum remains—something that isn’t always the case with love breakups.”
Goldfarb adds that the vacuum can feel uniquely destabilizing. “Women are conditioned to not rock the boat. We’re conditioned to get along with everyone, so to have a rupture in a friendship with another woman, or with anyone as a woman, it’s deeply upsetting that we couldn’t make it work.”
Prachi Mittal, 29, shares her experience with the end of a three-year friendship in college, “I’ve never had a romantic breakup, but I broke down every day and kept trying to get back my friend back, thinking I had done something wrong.”
Jackson, an author of Fighting for our Friendships: The Science and Art of Conflict and Connection in Women’s Relationships, underscores how some endings often unfold quietly rather than explosively: “A lot of them dissolved because people just don’t invest and they fade away. But there’s not necessarily bad blood. And so it hurts to lose them.”
Charmaine Wong, 32, from London, experienced the slow drift after seven years of shared highs and lows. “From moving countries, moving jobs, family health problems—we were there for each other through thick and thin,” she says. However, “In 2022, we were at different chapters in our lives. Messages started being misconstrued, the distance didn’t help, and after a year of zero contact, I felt better.”
In her book, Goldfarb notes that loyalty, honesty and reliability are what people value most in a friend. Yet circumstances like moves, lifestyle changes, or differing values can quietly fracture even strong friendships.
Aditi Tiwari, 29, recounts, “My friendship with a close friend of two years broke because we had some political differences. One day we were having an argument, and my friend said our values don’t align and she can’t look past it. I don’t think I ever want to entertain anyone who can walk away so easily.”
The pain is also amplified by society’s response—or lack thereof. “People often say things like, ‘You can get new friends,’ or ‘She was fake anyway.’ That doesn’t help someone process a real loss,” Jackson says. “Some even feel shame or embarrassment for grieving a friendship so deeply.”
Yet, healing is possible. Jackson emphasizes the importance of processing this grief intentionally.
“Give yourself space to grieve without shaming yourself.” She encourages people to identify one thing they’re grateful for from the friendship—even something small, like shared music or support during a tough time—as a way to soften resentment and begin moving forward. She also advises exploring new routines or connections. “Managing social media is also crucial—constantly checking a former friend’s posts can keep you stuck in the past,” she says.
Similarly, Wong found her way to create distance. “I muted her social media accounts as I thought that helped keep away any grief I felt whenever her posts reminded me of our memories together and ultimately how it all fell apart,” she says. “As cliche as it sounds, I think time heals as well.”
Building on that idea, Jackson emphasizes the importance of not over-rehearsing the friendship’s end. “Constantly analysing texts, conversations, or interactions with mutual friends can keep you stuck.” At some point, she says, you have to reach acceptance—even if you don’t fully understand what happened—and still find gratitude for the time you shared.
Goldfarb points out that, “the hardest part is that the very person you’d normally turn to in pain is the one who’s no longer there.” And yet, in that void, people slowly make room for new connections, new stories and new versions of themselves.
Sagarika Chakraborty, 29, a journalist from New Delhi, recalls how she coped: “I made new friends, wrote songs and poems about it, got a job, met so many more new and interesting people.”
Goldfarb also highlights that there’s no culturally scripted closure in friendships. “With romantic breakups, there’s usually a formal conversation. You know exactly what to say. You know what the reasons are— ‘it’s not you, it’s me. We want different things.’”
She adds with romances, you know the beats—she’ll call a friend, get a haircut, eat ice cream. But with a friendship ending, there’s no roadmap, no cultural cues for what it looks like.
This absence of clear closure can leave lingering feelings, as Wong describes. “When my friend reached out to meet out of the blue, I had an urge to meet her for some form of closure, for her to know how she had hurt me. But in the end, when we met up, I felt like I’d let the friendship go, and didn’t feel like I needed to bring it up or put in more energy into it.”
Bhardwaj reflects on her friendship breakup, noting a surprising lesson: the importance of setting boundaries early in all relationships. She realized that while people often prioritize boundaries in romantic relationships, they rarely do so in friendships—making interpersonal dynamics harder to navigate. The grief of losing a friend is intense, she says, but it also teaches that meaningful friendships require effort, communication and mutual commitment. “It takes two to tango, always,” she adds.
For others, acceptance comes quietly over time. As Bhagchandani reflects, “I don’t think I have the bandwidth to pull them up to speed on everything now. You just learn to live without them.”
Here are some practices and habits experts recommend for coping with grief after a friendship breakup:
- Give yourself space to grieve: Don’t minimize your feelings or shame yourself. Communicate to your support network that you’re genuinely sad and need space to process. Social support is essential as losing a friend is losing a source of support.
- Practice gratitude: Identify one thing you’re grateful for from the friendship. Even something small—like shared music or support during a tough time—can soften resentment and help you move forward.
- Avoid over-rehearsing the breakup: Constantly replaying texts, conversations, or scenarios with mutual friends isn’t helpful. At some point, acceptance is key: “I may never fully understand, but I’m grateful for what we had.”
- Reframe your thinking: Many women internalize friendship breakups as personal failures, asking themselves, “What’s wrong with me?” Remember: relational success isn’t measured by longevity. A meaningful friendship can be valuable even if it ends.
- Adopt new routines and hobbies: If your friend was deeply integrated into your social life, changing routines can help. Explore new interests or venues that weren’t part of your friendship. This allows for fresh connections and energy without trying to replace the friend.
- Manage social media: Constantly checking a former friend’s posts fuels resentment and sadness. Mute or block as needed. Ask yourself: “Is this habit helping me heal, or just keeping me stuck?”
The post The Breakup No One Talks About: The Loss of a Female Friendship appeared first on Newsweek.
