In a world where vaccine mandates are falling by the wayside as hapless idiots seek robotic therapy, it’s futile to expect rhyme and reason from Bravo, of all places.
Even so, I’m here to make a desperate plea: Please, please make all the women in Miami mojito-carrying Housewives. It’s cruel and unusual to continue acting as though Adriana, Marysol, and Kiki are just friends when they’re getting solo scenes and storylines that rival—and even outweigh—their mojito counterparts. That’s all. Back to regularly scheduled programming.
The Real Housewives of Miami are on the Lady Gaga diet, going bus, club, ’nother club straight into another cast trip. This time, the ladies have boarded a Virgin cruise line, thanks to Marysol’s good friend Richard Branson.
Does that outweigh a private plane? Maybe so, and Marysol knows that. There’s a cold war brewing in Miami, even if things seem relatively calm for now.
On one side, there’s the Julia, Marysol, Alexia alliance, whose fierce devotion to each other has bordered on sycophancy. Seriously, Marysol sat at the juice place with Julia Poppins and had nothing to say about that bird’s nest on her head? Not even one quip? Interesting.
That contingency remains on the outs with Stephanie, whose abrasive behavior regarding her poopless plane has them decidedly on edge. Stephanie has never heard about wealth whispering. She does not know how to show, not tell. She just walks into every room she can with her ends flipped up and a bullhorn, ready to buy herself a spot in the group. That would almost assuredly work in Beverly Hills, where Kathy Hilton has done exactly that, but here, it’s a different story.
So, Stephanie has decided to reassess her approach. Going forward, she will be “Nautical Steph,” as everyone knows a woman who rebrands her multiple personalities is the exact kind of lowkey, chill person you want to be around.
Before departing, Stephanie sits down with Anastasia Soare, makeup tycoon, to prove she has friends… or something. Anastasia spends the entire scene insisting Stephanie try for a baby, which is delusional given Massoud is 66 years old, not to mention it could flatline Stephanie’s Housewives journey. We do not need another pregnancy storyline. Anastasia may be a business maven, but her Housewives instincts border on sabotage.
Luckily, Stephanie is her own boss, and she’s decided it’s time for a raise. Having already taken on little fish like Lisa, followed by a big kahuna in Alexia, Stephanie has turned her sights to the show’s CEO: Marysol—if she can ever get her alone.
On the first night of the cruise, Marysol splits the women into two groups, keeping her allies (and Adriana) close by her side, while leaving Stephanie with Larsa, Guerdy, and Kiki. You may wonder how Lisa made it onto the ally ship, but that’s because Lisa Hochstein is long gone. This is the new, divorced her, who arrives on time! She just wants to giggle with the girls like they used to.
As for Lisa’s relationship with her boyfriend Jody, well, when one door closes, a window opens. Now that her divorce has been finalized, the cracks between Lisa and Jody are more evident than ever. It’s almost like Lisa really is annoying and hard to deal with or something. Surely it can’t be that… (To be fair, Jody’s weird too. I’m an equal opportunity hater.)
Of course, her divorce drama may be in the rearview, but Lisa’s feud with Larsa is still circling the exact same drain. Larsa’s even hitting the same notes! (“What am I, the CIA!?”).
“It’s gotten really out of hand,” Lisa says, before her half of the group tell her the quickest way to move forward is to keep Jody out of it. Lisa rejects that, as Larsa’s on OnlyFans “probably talking to people’s husbands” anyway. She can’t respond to a text or 22 from Jody?
At the test kitchen, Stephanie turns the conversation to the fact everyone thinks her delivery is brash, abrasive, and downright rude. She’s willing to take these complaints and will apply them in the next quarter, even if everyone’s obviously saying this because they’re jealous of how perfect and productive she is. They can’t handle a girlboss.
Somehow, I kind of mean that. As, just when Stephanie lost her way with the group, she turns around to Marysol and fires right back. The episode ends with a prelude to an ’80s workout class, in which Stephanie dons an age-appropriate, flattering hairstyle for the first time all season, randomly.
Here, Stephanie and Marysol finally have a heart-to-heart, and it goes super well… in the moment. They rehash the private plane snafu, coming to a much more positive plane, even as the two stand by their behavior from the week before. It all seems positive as Marysol declares a “new start,” but little does she know Stephanie’s a true master of disaster.
A truly ominous score closes out the episode, as Stephanie sits down with Adriana to tell her, “I truly feel Marysol is a jealous demon who disguised herself as a very loyal friend. But I know what I’m going up against now.”
What could possibly happen in the 24 hours between then and now to justify that 180? That remains to be seen. All I know is Stephanie is truly the Dr. Nicole successor this show needed, taking a shot at Marysol that could prove fatal. Maybe she’ll never get that mojito, after all. She might forever be a sniper from the side.
Next week, we’ll dive head first into that confrontation, while Adriana is “forced to celebrate her birthday against her will.” If that kind of blurb can’t earn the queen of Miami a mojito, what can?
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