My brother is an unpleasant drunk, and he drinks too much. A couple of years ago, I took him and his wife to dinner for his birthday. He drove my electric car there — he wanted to try it — but on the way back, because he’d been drinking, his wife drove while he sat in the back. He quickly became abusive, leaning forward, shouting foul language and physically interfering with her. If she hadn’t been there, I would have put him out to walk home. Instead, I told him to knock it off, which did little to help.
We are in our 60s and 70s, and he has been argumentative, even when sober, since childhood. I ask myself: Why keep putting up with this? Since that night, I’ve largely severed contact.
He has never acknowledged what I saw as outrageous behavior from someone being treated to a nice evening. Now and then he texts, “I miss you,” which I ignore; to respond would teach him that he can wait me out. The truth is, we’ve never had much in common. We can’t discuss politics, religion, art, charity — the things I care about most. Maybe it’s post-pandemic clarity, but life feels too short to keep walking on eggshells around him.
His wife still invites me to family holidays. I make excuses not to go. She and I get along, but she reminds me that for him “family comes first” and that I’m hurting him. Maybe I mean to. But the bigger truth is that life is easier this way, and I don’t miss the relationship at all. Am I unreasonable to have cut him off? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
The scene in the car, it seems, condensed years of small trespasses into a few sharp minutes. Your brother’s drinking isn’t new, and neither is his tendency toward argument. You and your brother are in your 60s and 70s now; you’ve lived with this pattern since your youth. You’ve just stopped putting off the issue of why you should keep putting up with it.
There’s a case to be made for trying to help him. His behavior suggests that alcohol is a real problem, and siblings, even estranged ones, are often among the few people who can speak plainly about that. Groups like Alcoholics Anonymous encourage friends and family members both to name the problem and to suggest hopeful next steps. You might be able to help him if you stayed close enough to try.
But that hinges on a prior question: Should you stay close? My N.Y.U. colleague Samuel Scheffler has argued that relationships we value generate responsibilities. We treat certain bonds as special; in valuing them, we accept special obligations. Siblinghood is often one of those bonds.
Plainly, this bond has lost its value for you and brings more wariness than warmth. If so, the obligation to sustain it weakens. Your estrangement is an acknowledgment that what you had together has ceased to be worth preserving. It’s not a decision made lightly, and it’s not without its own kind of sadness. Still, this may be one of those cases where absence makes the heart grow fonder — of the absence.
A Bonus Question
I’m a woman in my 30s with a persistently low libido — no medications or stress to blame. I can orgasm alone but rarely with partners, and I don’t experience spontaneous desire. Although I have a sex drive, it seems to be much less of a force for me than for others.
I’ve been with my partner most of my adult life. I haven’t climaxed with him in over a year and a half, despite good communication about sex. His libido is also low, though higher than mine. When we have sex, I generally enjoy the intimacy and the pleasure I’m able to give, but it sometimes feels like a chore without a payoff. He also laments that he can’t get me off.
We’re an excellent couple in 90 percent of our life together. It’s just that sex simply isn’t important to me, whatever conventional wisdom says. Is it ethical to continue? I enjoy giving my partner sexual pleasure; am I not denying him that joy? Doesn’t he deserve to have a woman who drools over him in all ways? Or would leaving “for his sake” be false martyrdom, considering that I don’t see anything changing for me with someone new? — Ruth
From the Ethicist:
First, your partner is an adult with agency, not a Victorian maiden you’re corrupting with your lust, or, rather, failing to corrupt with your insufficient lust. He knows the score. He’s choosing to stay. You say that 90 percent of your life together is excellent. That’s not a relationship problem; that’s a relationship.
Your worry about what he “deserves” — as if there’s some cosmic big-box store where he could trade you in for an erotically optimized replacement — is both self-punishing and patronizing. To break up with people for their own good is to make their choices for them.
The real question is simply whether you both can live happily with this. If sex sometimes feels like thankless labor, that’s worth addressing. If he’s lamenting his inability to satisfy you, that needs discussing. But you needn’t ask permission to stay in the relationship. You have it already, from the only person whose permission matters.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a woman who is witnessing the ongoing abuse of her neighbor’s dog “Z,” and is unsure of what to do. She wrote:
I’ve seen the daughter frequently yell at Z and once kick him. The mother’s ex, who lives next door, often threatens to kill him for barking; Z is visibly afraid of him, and I suspect past abuse. I called animal services anonymously after the kicking incident, but they left after speaking with the mother. Now in the Arizona summer heat, I’m more alarmed. The bowls of water I see are usually in full sun, most likely too hot to drink. He isn’t tied up, but no one seems to interact with him… I can’t take him in; my own dog is elderly and won’t accept another. And while I believe Z is neglected, nothing I’ve seen clearly violates the law. I feel trapped: afraid of overstepping with unpredictable neighbors, afraid of doing nothing and regretting it if Z suffers or dies. I know not everyone treats pets like family, but I wish they would meet the basics of care. What, ethically and practically, should I do to safeguard this dog’s well-being? — Name Withheld”
In his response, the Ethicist noted:
“The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals offers clear guidance on recognizing and reporting cruelty, whether it’s neglect or deliberate abuse. From what you describe, Z may be enduring both. Its site can connect you to the National Link Coalition, which will point you to the right reporting channels in your state and county. It is not your job to decide if the treatment you’ve seen crosses a legal line. The facts you’ve shared warrant action. Report each troubling incident, and when you speak to local authorities, give them the whole picture so they can see the pattern of harm.
(Reread the full question and answer here.)
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I would like to recommend that the letter writer concerned about her neighbor’s dog not only report every incident but also write down every incident and tape what evidence she can: when it is super hot out or super cold out (make sure to log the date and the temperature), how the dog is out there all the time, if there is no water when it is hot, etc. Her letter has haunted me since I read it — I would recommend that she let local animal activists know about the situation so they can go and take the dog. I personally think that is the most ethical thing to do. — Alexandra
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The neighbor’s concern is very warranted and cause for following up on the Ethicist’s suggestions. Z is clearly being mistreated; he may well die because of some of the abuse. At the very least, he is living an extremely unsafe life. I would absolutely search out an agency to take Z immediately. — Jeanne
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I know most of the letters here focus on human behavior, but for me, the moral distress often comes not from people alone but from what I see happening to animals — neglect, abuse and the horrors of puppy mills. I’ve reached out to shelters and city authorities when I’ve witnessed it, but too often the response is silence or inaction. Animals, especially dogs, have no say in who owns them. That fact alone should deepen our sense of responsibility. A pet is not a possession; it’s a living being that depends entirely on human care and compassion. Too many people miss that truth, and it’s heartbreaking. My hope is that Z finds the help he needs and, more important, the kindness he has always deserved. — Michelle
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The difficulty is that Z’s “family” may not have any real interest in caring for him, so advocating for him to be taken inside more often might lead to further abuse that becomes undetectable. It seems best that he gets a new home and finds a place of love and safety. — Erin
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We as humans have the responsibility to have compassion and caring for everything that breathes. Having a brain that is different from other species gives us this responsibility. We have a fully developed prefrontal cortex — a thinking brain. We know it is wrong to treat anything that breathes cruelly. You absolutely have a responsibility to call this one out. Do it soon. — Joanne
Kwame Anthony Appiah is The New York Times Magazine’s Ethicist columnist and teaches philosophy at N.Y.U. To submit a query, send an email to [email protected].
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