My husband and I asked our 22-year-old granddaughter to house-sit for us and to take care of our dog when we went away overnight. She has done this many times before. We pay her for her services, and our little dog loves her. A week after we returned, though, I discovered that valuable jewelry was missing from the jewelry box I keep in the bathroom: a gold necklace, diamond earrings, my mother’s engagement ring and more. Thousands of dollars of jewelry and its sentimental value, gone! There was no evidence of a break-in, and no one has been in our home since we returned. My granddaughter is the last person I would suspect of stealing, but she seems to have stolen from me. We haven’t said anything to her or my son yet. What should we do?
GRANDMOTHER
Please don’t jump to conclusions here! You have omitted an essential piece of information from your timeline: When was the last time you saw the missing jewelry inside your jewelry box? Just because you assume it was there when you left town doesn’t mean that it was. If you saw it minutes before you went away, on the other hand, this situation is more problematic.
Your granddaughter has never stolen from you before, though she has had many opportunities to do so. Why would she begin now? And even if the pieces were taken during your overnight trip, isn’t it possible that she invited someone into your home who took the jewelry without her knowledge? I know the loss of these sentimental pieces is upsetting, but it is important to proceed carefully.
Once you have established a time frame for the theft, go to your granddaughter for help: Explain the situation and ask if she saw the jewelry or let anyone into your home who may have taken it. Simply assuming that she stole it — without any evidence other than her overnight stay — may do irreparable harm to your relationship with her and your son. If she is the last person you would expect to steal from you, as you have written, there is probably good reason for that.
Before Consulting H.R., Check a Hand Mirror
I am 67 and work at a nonprofit organization. Two years ago, a new chief executive was hired. When I met him, he told me several times how cute I was. I told my supervisor that I was uncomfortable with this, and we met with him together to ask him to stop these comments. Since then, most times I see him, he says that I have lipstick on my teeth or something on my face. I am a well-groomed person, so I doubt this is true. I see it as a power play, and it gives me the ick. Should I go to human resources or confront him myself? (I can’t go to my supervisor; the chief executive terminated her without cause.)
EMPLOYEE
For starters, let’s verify your hunch: When the chief executive next tells you that you have something on your face, take out a mirror and check. The facts matter here. If you establish that his statements are incorrect, report these episodes to a human resources officer (along with his previous comments about your cuteness). Do not confront him without a witness present.
In my experience, power dynamics in the workplace often favor the boss. I don’t doubt your story, but without a clear understanding of his clout in the organization, I urge caution: Just because he is wrong does not mean that you will prevail.
After a Meal, Little Appetite for ‘Your Treat’
I am a recent widow. My couple friends continue to invite me out to dinner. When my husband was alive, we usually split the checks. Now, no one lets me pay! My friends know that I have ample funds, and I want to pay my share. But it’s awkward to suggest splitting the bill or offering to pay a third. Advice?
WIDOW
I am sorry for your loss. And I would share your discomfort: I wouldn’t want to be a perpetual guest, either. It sounds as if you need to establish a new custom for your new circumstances. It may feel awkward the first few times you insist on paying your share, but if you keep at it — or make it a condition of accepting invitations — your friends will eventually agree, and you will soon be paying your own way.
Confirming Receipt, Not Gratitude
A friend went through a difficult situation with her young child recently. I sent a gift card for a meal delivery service so she wouldn’t have to think about dinner for a few nights. I didn’t receive any acknowledgment or thanks. I didn’t send the gift to be thanked, but since the card was digital, is there a tactful way to confirm that she received it — without seeming to seek praise?
FRIEND
Absolutely! As long as the situation with your friend’s child has stabilized, text away. (People tend not to prioritize thoughtful gifts when their children are, say, in the I.C.U.) “Just checking that you received the meal card I sent. You have so much on your plate, I want to make sure you didn’t miss the email.” Done.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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