Oftentimes, there comes a point in a relationship—usually right before a breakup—where one or both partners become checked out. They no longer treat each other like lovers, but rather like acquaintances with whom they share no special bond.
Worried this might be happening in your relationship? Here are five signs your partner is checked out.
1. They Aren’t Affectionate
When someone is no longer invested in a relationship, they often stop showing affection. The hunger for closeness becomes nearly nonexistent, as they don’t feel that same connection they once did. Or, at the very least, they’re trying to suppress it as a form of self-protection.
If your partner no longer reaches for your hand while on a walk, cuddles with you on the couch during a movie night, or kisses you upon arrival, they might be checked out of your relationship. Of course, this depends on the person/relationship, as some people are less affectionate than others. You’ll know if your partner is pulling back, in which case, you should talk to them candidly about their potential reasons. They might not even notice what’s happening until you point it out.
2. They don’t Initiate Sex
If you and your partner are both sexual people, a lack of sexual intimacy can be a major sign of a failing relationship. Keep in mind, however, that even the healthiest relationships go through dry spells. Sometimes, one person is exhausted, sick, or struggling with their mental health and simply not in the mood.
However, if you notice your partner hasn’t initiated sex in a while, despite being their energetic selves, they might be checked out of the relationship. For many people, it’s hard to be intimate with someone they no longer feel safe and secure with. If your relationship’s foundation is rocky, and your partner isn’t feeling as emotionally connected to you for whatever reason, they might stop initiating sex altogether.
3. You’re no longer a Priority
When something matters to someone, it naturally becomes a priority. If you don’t feel like your partner is prioritizing you and your relationship, odds are they’re checked out. Of course, relationships go through phases; you can’t be the center of someone’s world at all times.
However, if you keep falling behind their friends, work, hobbies, and downtime, it might be time for a difficult conversation.
4. They’re Indifferent
Many checked-out partners were once the only ones fighting to make the relationship work. There are only so many times someone can voice a feeling or an unmet need before they stop caring.
If your partner no longer has reactions to emotionally stimulating situations—whether positively or negatively—they might have reached their breaking point. During arguments, they can’t be bothered to defend their side. When you’re bragging about an accomplishment, they don’t seem excited or proud of you. They’re fully checked out.
According to Mark Travers, Ph.D., in his Psychology Today article, “This reduction in emotional sensitivity bleeds over to other areas as well … Whereas before they stood vigil to all your emotions, now they simply don’t even notice.”
5. They Keep Conversations Surface-Level
We often only open up to people we feel comfortable with. When we’re checked out of a relationship, we usually (often unconsciously) create emotional space between ourselves and that person.
“When a partner emotionally withdraws from a relationship, conversations become surface-level,” Travers wrote in his piece. “They stop talking about anything that truly matters. No more feelings, no more ‘us,’ not even the usual arguments you used to have.”
If your partner no longer expresses their emotions, talks about their hopes and dreams, or vents about their frustrations, they might be preparing for separation.
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