It’s coming. If Bernie Madoff got a dramatic miniseries and the Menendez Brothers got a dramatic miniseries then there’s probably already a blue card on Ryan Murphy’s idea board scrawled with the name Jeffrey Epstein.
Featuring private jets, private islands, a New York City townhouse, and three massages a day, the Epstein story screams primetime soap. The reality, of course, is tragic and was captured in Filthy Rich, a 2020 Netflix documentary series that centers on survivors’ accounts of how Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell used wealth and power to exploit disadvantaged high school girls and vulnerable young women.
But for a dramatization of Epstein, who lived it up until he was charged in federal court with sex trafficking minors and wound up dead in his jail cell while awaiting trial, here’s the perfect cast.
JEFFREY EPSTEIN
The speech delivered by Sam Rockwell about falling into depravity on the third season of Mike White’s White Lotus was the perfect audition monologue for the role of Epstein. Plus, in earlier party scenes at Mar-a-Lago, Rockwell can showcase his exceptional dancing skills.
GHISLAINE MAXWELL
British actress Olivia Coleman has the range to portray Maxwell, who hobnobbed with royalty, provided foot massages with her breasts on a private airplane, and was convicted of sex trafficking minors and sentenced to 20 years in prison. Coleman might even make the poor little rich girl sympathetic at times while maintaining her monstrous core.
PRINCE ANDREW, DUKE OF YORK
So many great actors have already portrayed Prince Andrew: James Murray in The Crown, Michael Sheen in A Very Royal Scandal and Rufus Sewall in Scoop. Any one of the three could step back into the Duke of York’s Chelsea boots.
VIRGINIA GIUFFRE
Blond and American, Giuffre bears a more-than-passing resemblance to Gwyneth Paltrow, especially as a teenager. Paltrow can also bring her personal experience with sexual harassment to the role. Paltrow has spoken out publicly, claiming that convicted rapist Harvey Weinstein put his hands on her body and asked for a massage after the then-producer hired her for a movie. At the time, Paltrow was in her early 20s and Weinstein was in his mid-40s.
ALAN DERSHOWITZ
All other casting choices are up for debate… except for this one. Kate McKinnon must play Martha Vineyard’s most hated lawyer Dershowitz with the same vibe that she captured Rudy Giuliani when she portrayed him on Saturday Night Live. Dershowitz was part of the legal team in 2008 that negotiated a deal where Epstein pled guilty to state charges of solicitation of prostitution and solicitation of prostitution with a minor and, in return, received a light sentence of 18 months with work-release in a Palm Beach County minimum-security facility.
JULIE K. BROWN
The “intrepid journalist” is a Hollywood stereotype, but in this case, it fits. Miami Herald reporter Julie K. Brown was relentless in pursuing the corruption of justice in Epstein’s sweetheart deal and focusing on the victims. She’s a dead ringer for Laura Dern, who has played a journalist before.
THE METROPOLITAN CORRECTIONAL CENTER FEDERAL JAIL GUARDS
The guards on duty the night that Epstein was found hanged in his cell failed to check on the prisoner every 30 minutes as required. A later investigation revealed the two spent their shift sleeping and shopping online. Comedic actor Tracy Morgan could play the bumbling guards—rolled into one character to cut costs.
THE EPSTEIN FILES
Elon Musk re-awakened the Epstein story when he tweeted on June 6, “Time to drop the really big bomb. @realDonaldTrump is in the Epstein files. That is the real reason they have not been made public.” Almost two months later, the files have still not been released. But perhaps they look something like the files that Trump stored in his bathroom at Mar-a-lago.
PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP
The current president will not be in the miniseries because no network or streamer would touch this project if it implicated and angered the president.
WOODY ALLEN as “HIMSELF”
A neighbor and frequent dinner guest at Epstein’s NYC townhouse, Allen will reprise the role he has basically played in all his movies.
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