When Supriya McKenna was ending her marriage, she turned to a psychologist for advice.
Dr. McKenna, a family physician in Berkshire, England, had compiled a list of 126 of her husband’s behaviors. As she rattled them off aloud, her therapist, trained in narcissism, grabbed a book off the shelf: “Why Is It Always About You?” by the psychoanalyst Sandy Hotchkiss.
“It was lightbulb, lightbulb, lightbulb,” Dr. McKenna said. “I didn’t realize there was a name for this.”
Narcissism is a term thrown around frequently, along with a lot of misinformation about it. Many of us display narcissistic traits like arrogance and a need for attention, but for people with narcissistic personality disorder, these characteristics are persistent and extreme; they affect relationships and the ability to manage one’s life.
The disorder is incredibly challenging for people who have it, said Elinor Greenberg, a therapist in New York City who specializes in treating the condition. But loved ones also face difficulties relating to and interacting with people who have the condition.
Books are a crucial starting point for understanding narcissism, especially for those who are in a relationship with a narcissist, said Usha Tummala-Narra, a psychologist and professor at Boston College. Here are four essential books on the subject, according to psychologists, researchers and doctors.
‘Rethinking Narcissism’ by Craig Malkin
“All human beings have some type of narcissism,” Dr. Tummala-Narra said. “It refers to the need to feel valued and to understand one’s self-worth.” And this book, published in 2015, presents narcissism as a continuum.
Dr. Malkin, a clinical psychologist, lays out a 10-point “narcissism spectrum scale” to help readers determine where they fall. In the middle are people who have “healthy narcissism,” meaning they tend to have an enhanced view of themselves, while still showing empathy and an ability to accept criticism. On the low end are people who view themselves and their needs more negatively. And on the high end are people with pathological narcissism, in which there are more serious deficits in empathy, as well as a sense of entitlement.
The book is “particularly interesting because the author speaks to the universal need to feel special,” Dr. Tummala-Narra said, adding that the language is clear and accessible.
‘It’s Not You’ by Ramani Durvasula
In this 2024 book, Dr. Durvasula, a psychologist in Los Angeles, examines how people who display narcissistic patterns — often rooted in deep insecurity and difficulty handling criticism — engage in harmful behaviors like gaslighting or boundary violations.
She provides tools for people in these relationships to reclaim their sense of self, rebuild boundaries and heal from painful relational dynamics, while reminding readers that these patterns reflect psychological struggles rather than ill intent.
This book is “extremely validating for people in those relationships,” said Daksha Hirani, a psychologist in Central London. Dr. Durvasula’s tone is “very forthright but not angry,” she added.
‘Disarming the Narcissist’ by Wendy T. Behary
This book, published in 2008, aims to help us understand “that we can’t change or control others,” said Erica Schwartzberg, a psychotherapist in New York City. “We can only control how we show up.”
When it comes to our relationships with narcissists, this involves being direct, clear and setting boundaries, Ms. Schwartzberg said, which “gives the narcissist less fodder to manipulate the narrative.”
Ms. Behary, a therapist and founder of The Cognitive Therapy Center of New Jersey, suggests that readers use what she calls “empathic confrontation” when interacting with narcissists, which involves acknowledging someone else’s perspective and feelings while still maintaining personal boundaries. Simple techniques like using “I” statements can help lessen the chances that a narcissist will act defensively, she writes.
‘The Narcissism Epidemic’ by Jean M. Twenge and W. Keith Campbell
A thoughtful inquiry into how our culture promotes narcissism, this 2009 book explores how narcissistic traits in children and adolescents are shaped by school, home and social media, Dr. Tummala-Narra said.
The authors, two psychologists, argue that the overemphasis on children’s self-esteem — promoted since the 1980s and amplified by social media — has caused much of today’s suffering.
Although social media has encouraged us to care more about how we’re presenting ourselves to the public, it doesn’t necessarily mean that narcissistic personality disorder is on the rise, said Anssi Perakyla, a sociology professor at the University of Helsinki. He recommends this book, but he cautions readers to be critical: While we may express ourselves more dramatically today, our core psychology hasn’t fundamentally changed
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